What do you see when you look in the mirror?

So I guess it's obvious from my lack of posting that the weightloss/fitness hasn't been going too well.
I'm not sure why that would stop me posting because this wasn't meant as a blog that only referenced the successes of my weightloss or fitness. I was supposed to blog all of it - the good, the bad and the downright ugly, only that way could it be an honest representation of probably the hardest journey of my life.
Part of me fleetingly entertained the thought of closing the blog - fleetingly though.
Instead I've taken a long hard think about where I'm going wrong, not with the blogging as such but with this weightloss & fitness journey and many realisations have surfaced. Now I have to figure out a way to work with what is going on.
Too many things have surfaced to bore y'all with it in one hit so I'll drag it out over a few posts with the end result being a plan - a plan that is going to be completely different to everything I have done over the last 20 years.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I mean what does anyone with a weight issue see when they look in the mirror- Fat? Disgusting? Ugly? 
I actually avoid looking in full length mirrors whenever possible and I absolutely ignore my reflection in shop windows etc. I've learned to use this as a tool so that I can't  say negative things to myself but in reality this is simply a different negative action that feeds negative thought in a different way.  The end result of this negativity is that my family have no photos of us as a family or me alone other than the odd head shot or where I can hide behind another person or where I'm pulling a ridiculous face to hide my dread.
Next month I go on another holiday and yet again I will return with photos of everyone but myself and to be honest I'm fed up with it.
I'm not massively over weight. I can run, do Insanity workouts and be active outside so why do I feel this pressure to lose a certain amount of weight? Why do I feel that people look at me and see a tubby person first before anything else? It's not like I judge people that way - or do I? I think I've realised that maybe I do.
Here's a weird story: Every holiday I go on I am immediately comfortable in a bikini, whatever my size. I spend all day in a bikini and I'll walk round in a bikini and feel totally at ease. Then when it comes to going out in the evening I panic! The amount of times I've ruined nights out on holiday as I've refused to go out because I look fat in my clothes and yet people would have seen me in a lot less all day long. It made no sense and for years when anyone has asked me "why?" my answer was always "Dunno".
Until the last time someone asked me that question and before I knew what I was saying the words that popped out of my mouth were "Because everyone is in a bikini all day and I blend in but it's when you're dressed up that other women look at what you've got on and think 'You should so not be wearing that' or 'wow that does not do your legs any favours' "
I honestly did not realise that's what I thought and then I realised where that thought had manifested - it's what I do! During the day on holiday I barely notice the other bikini clad ladies (unless they're super skinny and are sat right next to my husband lol) but night time when everyone gets dressed that's when I really people watch and check out what everyone looks like.
So what has this knowledge done for me?
Well, now I'm aware of how critical I am of others I'm thinking I can stop myself doing it. I  never critise or comment about anothers persons weight, I find that to be cruel, offensive and detrimental to the other person and while I may not criticise another persons clothes verbally, I do think it and this is what has led me to believe that every one does the same to me.
Maybe now I can look forward to those evening meals when we go to Jamaica in January!
Needless to say I haven't lost the weight that I was hoping to lose for this holiday but strangely - despite being my biggest - I'm ok with this.
I've refused to buy clothes at a size I think I should be rather than the size I am. In fact I've bought clothes that I know will be too big so that I can nip and tuck to get that perfect, comfortable fit for my figure.
I am so looking forward to this holiday - sunbathing all day and dressy dinners at night!