What do you see when you look in the mirror?

So I guess it's obvious from my lack of posting that the weightloss/fitness hasn't been going too well.
I'm not sure why that would stop me posting because this wasn't meant as a blog that only referenced the successes of my weightloss or fitness. I was supposed to blog all of it - the good, the bad and the downright ugly, only that way could it be an honest representation of probably the hardest journey of my life.
Part of me fleetingly entertained the thought of closing the blog - fleetingly though.
Instead I've taken a long hard think about where I'm going wrong, not with the blogging as such but with this weightloss & fitness journey and many realisations have surfaced. Now I have to figure out a way to work with what is going on.
Too many things have surfaced to bore y'all with it in one hit so I'll drag it out over a few posts with the end result being a plan - a plan that is going to be completely different to everything I have done over the last 20 years.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I mean what does anyone with a weight issue see when they look in the mirror- Fat? Disgusting? Ugly? 
I actually avoid looking in full length mirrors whenever possible and I absolutely ignore my reflection in shop windows etc. I've learned to use this as a tool so that I can't  say negative things to myself but in reality this is simply a different negative action that feeds negative thought in a different way.  The end result of this negativity is that my family have no photos of us as a family or me alone other than the odd head shot or where I can hide behind another person or where I'm pulling a ridiculous face to hide my dread.
Next month I go on another holiday and yet again I will return with photos of everyone but myself and to be honest I'm fed up with it.
I'm not massively over weight. I can run, do Insanity workouts and be active outside so why do I feel this pressure to lose a certain amount of weight? Why do I feel that people look at me and see a tubby person first before anything else? It's not like I judge people that way - or do I? I think I've realised that maybe I do.
Here's a weird story: Every holiday I go on I am immediately comfortable in a bikini, whatever my size. I spend all day in a bikini and I'll walk round in a bikini and feel totally at ease. Then when it comes to going out in the evening I panic! The amount of times I've ruined nights out on holiday as I've refused to go out because I look fat in my clothes and yet people would have seen me in a lot less all day long. It made no sense and for years when anyone has asked me "why?" my answer was always "Dunno".
Until the last time someone asked me that question and before I knew what I was saying the words that popped out of my mouth were "Because everyone is in a bikini all day and I blend in but it's when you're dressed up that other women look at what you've got on and think 'You should so not be wearing that' or 'wow that does not do your legs any favours' "
I honestly did not realise that's what I thought and then I realised where that thought had manifested - it's what I do! During the day on holiday I barely notice the other bikini clad ladies (unless they're super skinny and are sat right next to my husband lol) but night time when everyone gets dressed that's when I really people watch and check out what everyone looks like.
So what has this knowledge done for me?
Well, now I'm aware of how critical I am of others I'm thinking I can stop myself doing it. I  never critise or comment about anothers persons weight, I find that to be cruel, offensive and detrimental to the other person and while I may not criticise another persons clothes verbally, I do think it and this is what has led me to believe that every one does the same to me.
Maybe now I can look forward to those evening meals when we go to Jamaica in January!
Needless to say I haven't lost the weight that I was hoping to lose for this holiday but strangely - despite being my biggest - I'm ok with this.
I've refused to buy clothes at a size I think I should be rather than the size I am. In fact I've bought clothes that I know will be too big so that I can nip and tuck to get that perfect, comfortable fit for my figure.
I am so looking forward to this holiday - sunbathing all day and dressy dinners at night!

I get there.....................eventually!

So after all my previous promises that I am getting my arse in gear and will be exercising properly and eating properly - in other words, exercising like a flea on speed and eating like a tortoise - I have finally done it! Got my arse in gear that is!

Today was/is the day.
My body is now a temple.

OK so maybe that's overdoing it slightly, I mean no way am I am going to resist some goodies but today I finally started my diet and exercise programme.
This mornings workout consisted of P90X 'Chest & Back' which I know is gonna buuuuuuuurn later on and that was followed by 'Ab Ripper X', which happens to be very aptly named.
I chose ARX cos I hate crunches, they are amazingly boring and always strain the base of my spine. There are NO crunches in ARX, yay!  However do not let that fool you cos Tony Horton has you doing stuff that you always thought impossible. In fact they ARE impossible! Well, for me they are anyways - for now!
Tomorrow is gonna be an Insanity workout. Wow have I missed those workouts. I know they screwed with my knees but sod it, I miss the workout and the other workouts such as 'Turbo Fire' just do not float my boat.
My plan is to mix up P90X with Insanity for the next however many weeks till I go on holiday and hopefully - fingers crossed - some of those summer clothes will fit me again. If not I'm going on holiday naked cos I refuse to buy any more 'fat' clothes!

So this is me for the next 9 some weeks.

Skinny girl where art thou?

OK so I appear to be absolutely naff at this blogging lark of late, despite putting myself out there on my last thread claiming I was going to change - now how many times have I promised THAT over the years ;)

Here's where I am now:
I didn't start my P90X/Turbofire hybrid the other Monday because my sister came up from England with her family and I knew that we'd be out pretty much during all daylight hours. My sister loves to walk and so that's what we did and I have to admit I probably saw more of the county I have lived in for the past 9 years in those 5 days than I ever have before.
Anyway I digress:
I was then supposed to start this Monday just gone but I managed to develop Tonsillitis :(  a sore throat :(  and now a minor cold which has flared up my asthma :(  Basically any kind of exercise that makes me take deep breaths leaves me in coughing fits that make me feel as though I have ripped open my Oesophagus and pulled out my lungs :(
So, right now I'm doing whatever I have to do to recover asap to get this new hybrid on the road.

I also planted a couple of widgets to the right hand side of my page.
There's no point rolling your eyes people Christmas is still gonna be just around the corner - 55 days to be exact  (say it in days and it doesn't sound as close as  8 weeks does it).
Anyway the second widget is for my holiday to Jamaica. It's been about 3 years since we have been on holiday and we're lucky to be going with the same friends we went with on our last holiday. These friends live in England so we never get to see them really so we're really looking forward to January.
The problem for me is my weight - of course!  I don't know about you guys but I never buy new clothes. I either feel guilty spending the money or I convince myself there's no point as I'm gonna lose weight. Do you guys do that?
Well, the problem is that I tried on my lovely holiday clothes the other day and not one of them fits :( Not even the jeans I wore last year :(  Which is strange really cos I don't feel bigger than last year - guess it's called denial.
So I have a grand total of 84 days to fit into those clothes. I have no idea how much I need to lose in weight for that to happen cos I have no idea what I weighed last time I wore them. All I do know is that I thought I was fat back then. Well, I'm even fatter now.
So, 84 days, which equates to about 12 weeks to lose this belly. Can it be done? Well it's either that or I'm going on holiday with no holiday clothes :(

I'm a 'weightloss blog' fraud.

Wow, I've been severely absent from blogging for ages haven't I!
I have no excuses really except to say that I feel like a weight loss fraud!  I started this blog with every intention of posting regular updates of my weightloss journey, my dabble in extreme workouts and the odd informative piece thrown in for good measure.
I started off well , as do we all - I posted, I worked out, I checked out other blogs and I interacted - so what went wrong?
Well I found that the more I failed in my weight loss journey the less I enjoyed posting about it, I mean nobody enjoys posting about their failures do they? And anyway even if I did enjoy such self flagulation who would want to read it? I basically got sick of hearing myself explaining - once again - why I hadn't eaten correctly and / or lost weight.

So what do I have to post now that is so different?
Erm nothing actually - sorry! I haven't lost weight - at least I don't think I have ( I haven't weighed myself in weeks) and I'm once again eating the chocolate I managed to wean myself off of.
But the one constant I have found is 'Insanity'. Nope not the mental kind, though granted Insanity does seem to be a requirement of getting through life but I digress, I'm talking the extreme workout, Shaun T kind of Insanity. The very same workout that leaves you in buckets of sweat, hauling your sorry ass off the floor and looking forward to the next days torture - THAT 'Insanity'
At least it had been a constant until last week when I finally had to admit that I needed to rest for a week because the jumps, squats and lunges were more than my poor knee could cope with. I got sick of having to butt slide up and down the stairs and looking like a 90 year old trying to get off the sofa!
So I have a big decision to make!
On Monday my knee will be rested enough to start working out again. I only have 2 weeks left of Insanity (3 weeks if I repeat last weeks miss) but do I do this and risk knackering the knee again or do I change the programme?
I know, I know, it should be an easy decision, who wants pain right? But I love 'Insanity' and I cannot imagine not doing it. This workout has an uncanny ability to hook you and if it wasn't for my knee I would do it over and over again.
So what's the alternative? Well I need the cardio but without the Plyo which tends to involve alot of high jumps in the air (no good for the knee) and I'd also like to include some weights. So, I could do another extreme workout - 'P90X' for weights & Yoga and then include some 'TurboFire' for the cardio.
I'm quite excited about a new challenge but I don't want to let go of Insanity!!! Aaaaaaargh, it's too hard!
OK, as decisions go it's hardly life or death I know and if this is the biggest decision I have to make in life then my life is either boring or ridiculous but I still have to decide...................

I'll let y'all know on Monday what I decide :)

To cheer you up!

Don't know about the rest of the world but here in the Scottish Highlands it certainly feels as though we skipped Autumn and went straight to Winter - not that we had much of a show from Summer either mind!
So I figured I would cheer y'all up with a photo I took of cut flowers I have been growing in the polytunnel this year :)
How can you not smile when you see these

I got bored with growing veggies this year cos they take too much time so I decided to cut down on veggies and increase the cut flowers. Don't know about you but I absolutely love fresh flowers around the home but my favourites are always so expensive and don't last very long when bought from the shops.
Just a few sweet pea seeds have meant I have been collecting fresh flowers since June and amstill doing so now  :)
I've also increased the Lillies (one of my favourites) and Carnations. They look so lovely freshly cut and mixed with Roses, Montbretia and Hydrangea and best of all they're free.


Not to worry though I haven't spent all my time with my nose in the sweet Peas and Lillies, I have been exercising too - honestly!
Insanity has obviously taken over my mornings for the past 5 weeks and yes I still love it! Amazing really how such an intense, mad workout could motivate me to press play everyday.
I'm really excited about starting the second month next week and a whole load of new even harder workouts :)
I must admit I do swap the Cardio Abs for Ab Ripper X (P90X) though because I prefer ARX - I'm not sure why though.

The Black Dog is happily sleeping in his kennel - yay! And I've even been really enjoying walking the 'real' dogs! It used to be a case of take one, walk as fast as possible, don't look left or right in case we see another dog and get home asap before repeating with the other dog - sooooooo not a nice way to walk the dogs.
Well, my daughter and I have taken them in hand. We're experienced with big dogs but had gotten lazy with their training - it was case of getting the job done asap. Not any longer! We have been taking long, slow, leisurely walks, training them throughout and we now have a Great Dane that doesn't drag us along or jump in the air like Tigger througout the walk and a GSD that no longer sniper walks along attacking anything that looks like it may move. Ahhhhhhh, good times!

So I shall leave you all with happy thoughts xx

Blah.........

That's how I've been feeling for ages now.............. Blah!
Winter is just around the corner and yet we've had no real summer to stock up those vitamin levels to see us through those cold winter days ahead!
Lucky for me we're off to jamaica in January with friends for our first holiday in about 4 years - the house building had to take priority. Have to say I am really looking forward to some sun and a different change of scenery, plus seeing our friends who we've not really seen since our last holiday with them.

There's always a 'but' though isn't there!
Guess who doesn't want to feel like a fat pleb basking on Jamaicas beaches. I certainly don't fancy being mistaken for a beached whale neither!
I've kinda got stuck in a diner on my road to weightloss and tbh I'm sick of telling myself and everyone else that tomorrow will be different - denial or what! All it does is make me feel better while I'm tucking into that bar of chocolate - yes, the stuff I managed to give up for o so long!
Problem is the doors appear to be locked on the diner and I can't find the blasted key to get out and walk in the sun again - it's all so bloody sad!
And yet The Black Dog isn't snapping or even growling at the moment - I'm a tad confuddled!

Insanity is still my daily workout. I'm repeating last week because I am not happy that I had to miss 4 workouts, even though this week should be recovery week before starting month 2. Problem is though I have this 10k run next week and I need to do Insanity to get me through so I don't want to take a recovery next week either.
You would think it wouldn't matter wouldn't you? BUT I have to admit that we have done next to no training for this 10k whatsoever - I hate running! However we want to complete it none the less - besides we want our goody bag and medal lol. So I'm hoping Insanity will see me through (both the workout and my state of mind) and my daughter is fit anyways.
Hmmmmmmm, could be an ugly run me thinks. 

Proof that exercise is good for the soul.

OK so I've been absent for a while - sorry bout that!
I could spin you a whole sorry tale of woes and life getting in the way of my blogging but to be honest it wouldn't be the complete truth.
The truth is I needed the break - it's as simple as that!
Don't get me wrong, I love interacting with other bloggers that are on a fitness or weight loss life change  and I've missed it heaps over the last few weeks - but I still needed that break.
You see, I think I overdid the goals I previously set myself, in fact they got seriously unrealistic. I put so much emphasis on 'I'm going to lose this much weight' or 'I'm going to train this many times' that I simply stopped enjoying it and once I'd stopped enjoying the working out I stopped enjoying the blogging. I found myself constantly picking at my faults, slaughtering myself at missing those unrealistic goals and making promise after promise to do better next time - and we all know how that goes huh!  I've spent the last 20 years going round in that particular circle and I did not want my blog to turn into a diary of such behaviour - this blog was supposed to help me change that bad habit.

So what has happened?  Well I continued with the Insanity workout but missed the last 2 weeks of the programme. My results to that point had been great in terms of strength, stamina, flexibility etc but weightloss was non existant because I didn't control the crap I ate.
After a weeks break I half heartedly started insanity from the beginning again. Insanity is not a workout that you can do with less than 100% commitment, it really isn't. So my half hearted attempt was doomed from the start - I felt a complete failure when I gave up after just a week.
For 2 weeks I despaired - literally! I couldn't understand why I wasn't motivated for Insanity when I still loved the programme. In the end I decided to set another start date and really psyche myself up for it, so that's what I did.

A little over 2 weeks ago I restarted Insanity and I love it! My mojo is back, probably even more so than first time round! I am able to complete the moves better this time round, I can keep up more and I am working harder.
The diet is still not perfect but Insanity is making me want to make those changes because the more I work with Shaun T the better I want to get and to do that I need to lose belly fat!
Believe me though getting myself this motivated was hard! I was in a serious pit clawing at the walls to get out but dirt just kept falling right back in on top of me and all the while that Black Dog was seriously defending the entrance to the pit and my only way out! . That first day was horrendously hard, just getting dressed was a major achievement never mind the knowledge that I then had to go and press play to an insane workout!

This is what I looked like that first morning:- I could have quite willingly gone back to bed and pulled those covers over my head! Every ounce of my mind and body was screaming at me in protest of pressing play!

But I forced myself to press play with the promise that if I still felt like crap after doing the workout then I could go back to bed.
I pressed play and this is what I looked like after, despite pushing my hardest and being more knackered than I care to remember:-

I didn't go back to bed!
I couldn't believe the difference I felt after that first workout. The Black Dog that had had me cowering for cover an hour earlier was nowhere to be seen or heard afterwards.
Proof positive of the power of exercise!