Depression

Seems like a weird title for a post doesn't it but if you've suffered from it or know someone who has or does then you will have some understanding as to how debilitating this can be to a sufferer and those who suffer alongside them - it can literally fracture a family, a relationship, a person and can lead sufferers to a dark dark place where the only option that makes any sense to them is to take their own life.
But so many of us know this right? The death of Robin Williams bought the subject of depression to the forefront and for what seemed like the first time (certainly in my lifetime) depression became a topic that people openly discussed and for the majority of what I heard or read people seemed genuinely understanding of it, or were at least sympathetic to a condition that they had previously not given thought to or had thought of it as a mental thing we don't talk about.

I was 8 years old when I first attempted to kill myself!
With no internet back then my 8 year old brain was limited in its capacity to understand how to go about this act - thankfully! I think it went as far as "stop breathing" - I mean that's the gyst of it right? Just stop breathing! So my method went as far as tying a plastic bag over my head and laying on my hands. I can laugh about it now but deep deep down I can still feel that desperation that took me to that point.
Looking back I honestly believe I came into this world damaged/fractured/with baggage - call it what you will - and with a tenacious ability to absorb worry/stress/a belief that I was unloved and not good enough. I distinctly remember looking at the world as cold and heartless though I would not have been able to percieve it as that back then. Back then the world just sucked!
Obviously my attempt to "stop breathing" by way of plastic bag did not work, I think it's absolutely impossible for someone to kill themself that way because no matter how much you believe you want it, the survival instinct kicks in and you whip that bag of your head and then cry/scream/berate yourself for being so fucking useless that you can't even get that right.
It didn't work the first time, nor the second, nor the third and it slowly began to sink in that I was stuck here because I seriously did not have the knowledge to think any further. I did however decide one day that I was going to jump from my parents bedroom window, I think I had been fighting with my brother as kids do and any mean thing said to me would just flip me over the edge. So I climbed that window ledge believing this would do the trick - I could "stop breathing" - but my brother dragged me back in.
Looking back I think the jumping from the window experience was more about trying to show someone - my brother at this point - how much I was hurting, not an actual attempt to "stop breathing". I say this because although alot of the incident is a blur and my brother probably remembers it alot different to me bless him, I distinctly remember sitting on the ledge for an amount of time first - surely if I had meant it I would have just jumped?
I guess I should thank my brother for saving me that day because let's face it, had I jumped I don't think from that height it would have killed me, I think it's much more likely I would have broken legs or worse, broke my back.

I can talk about these things now and I have learned what it was that put my head in that place at that time. As an adult I can process things differently but as an 8 year old, 9 year old, 10 year old etc I just did not have that ability.
I should also say that not once in my attempt to "stop breathing" was it ever about a cry for help, it was never in the hope of being found and someone realising something was wrong and it was never to punish anyone. I didn't want help, I simply didn't want to exist anymore!

I never expected this weight loss journey to be as simple as going from A to B but I seem to be detouring to every other letter from C to Z and I'm beginning to feel like a complete loser. Why on earth am I so flaky when it comes to weight Loss! I mean its hardly rocket science is it, I don't even have to stop eating all the things I love like chocolate etc, I simply have to stop eating it every day. So why the heck do I give in to temptation so easily?
Yesterday I did relatively good - a healthy breakfast and a healthy cooked meal at night but then I spotted 'master of taste American style brownie' ice cream in the freezer and I knew from that point I was fighting a losing battle. At first I just had a quarter of it and put it back ( a total first for me) and then later on I had a late bath to divert my mind from it. All was well - until I got out of the bath and in some weird automatic mode went and got the ice cream and finished it off in bed!!

Nutritional information for this ice cream informs me that I ate around 1000 calories and approx 68g of fat. Great.....just bloody great!
Note to self: when you next go food shopping do not convince yourself that you'll ration it this time - it hasn't happened the last 10 times and next time won't be any different.

While I'm whipping myself I may as well be honest and say that the 5/50 challenge was well and truly blown out of the water on roughly day 5. I can tell myself that it's down to lack of time but that's an outrageous over statement - it's easy to find time. I may as well just admit to myself that I'm either lazy or flaky or just not committed or even a combination of all three.
I love the idea of working out and I really want to start running again but getting the motivation to get going is proving ridiculously hard. Do they sell it in shops I wonder!!

Weight loss this week - 2lbs.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

OK so the 'Black Dog' is no longer snarling and gnashing at me with all the ferocity of a rabid animal, in fact I would say that although he's not sleeping in his kennel he IS at least laying in it - albeit it with very watchful eyes just biding his time and looking fr the slightest crack in my mood that will enable him to have his fun again.
My main tool in the fight against the 'Black Dog' is music, as I've said before the 'Black Dog' hates music because while I'm listening to it he can't get my attention with his snapping and snarling and the novelty soon wears off for him. Follow that with positive thought (which is very hard to do sometimes) and I begin to lift my mood and gain control back.

Mr SG's back is all healed which is brilliant however today I have managed to damage mine again - not so brilliant!
I've had a stiff back for a few days but when I was pulling pallets apart today I got this sudden intense feeling of pain in my spine. I came indoors and took some painkillers but nothing is touching it so I'm now hoping and praying that I haven't popped a disc again like I did in July.
Needless to say I can't run which is really annoying and I had intended to begin Insanity in a weeks time because now winter is here I know I won't get to run more than two maybe three times a week.