Depression

Seems like a weird title for a post doesn't it but if you've suffered from it or know someone who has or does then you will have some understanding as to how debilitating this can be to a sufferer and those who suffer alongside them - it can literally fracture a family, a relationship, a person and can lead sufferers to a dark dark place where the only option that makes any sense to them is to take their own life.
But so many of us know this right? The death of Robin Williams bought the subject of depression to the forefront and for what seemed like the first time (certainly in my lifetime) depression became a topic that people openly discussed and for the majority of what I heard or read people seemed genuinely understanding of it, or were at least sympathetic to a condition that they had previously not given thought to or had thought of it as a mental thing we don't talk about.

I was 8 years old when I first attempted to kill myself!
With no internet back then my 8 year old brain was limited in its capacity to understand how to go about this act - thankfully! I think it went as far as "stop breathing" - I mean that's the gyst of it right? Just stop breathing! So my method went as far as tying a plastic bag over my head and laying on my hands. I can laugh about it now but deep deep down I can still feel that desperation that took me to that point.
Looking back I honestly believe I came into this world damaged/fractured/with baggage - call it what you will - and with a tenacious ability to absorb worry/stress/a belief that I was unloved and not good enough. I distinctly remember looking at the world as cold and heartless though I would not have been able to percieve it as that back then. Back then the world just sucked!
Obviously my attempt to "stop breathing" by way of plastic bag did not work, I think it's absolutely impossible for someone to kill themself that way because no matter how much you believe you want it, the survival instinct kicks in and you whip that bag of your head and then cry/scream/berate yourself for being so fucking useless that you can't even get that right.
It didn't work the first time, nor the second, nor the third and it slowly began to sink in that I was stuck here because I seriously did not have the knowledge to think any further. I did however decide one day that I was going to jump from my parents bedroom window, I think I had been fighting with my brother as kids do and any mean thing said to me would just flip me over the edge. So I climbed that window ledge believing this would do the trick - I could "stop breathing" - but my brother dragged me back in.
Looking back I think the jumping from the window experience was more about trying to show someone - my brother at this point - how much I was hurting, not an actual attempt to "stop breathing". I say this because although alot of the incident is a blur and my brother probably remembers it alot different to me bless him, I distinctly remember sitting on the ledge for an amount of time first - surely if I had meant it I would have just jumped?
I guess I should thank my brother for saving me that day because let's face it, had I jumped I don't think from that height it would have killed me, I think it's much more likely I would have broken legs or worse, broke my back.

I can talk about these things now and I have learned what it was that put my head in that place at that time. As an adult I can process things differently but as an 8 year old, 9 year old, 10 year old etc I just did not have that ability.
I should also say that not once in my attempt to "stop breathing" was it ever about a cry for help, it was never in the hope of being found and someone realising something was wrong and it was never to punish anyone. I didn't want help, I simply didn't want to exist anymore!

Gluten intolerance / Celiac disease

So I thought I should do an update on my last post about the Gluten Free lifestyle I was hoping was going to sort out my stomach issues, I wanted to leave it a few weeks before updating because I wanted to know the results were consistent and not just a day relief.
The effects of cutting out Gluten were not as instant as I had thought they would be but there is no denying that cutting out Gluten has definitely helped to sort out my health issues.
My stomach has finally deflated and I cannot express just how bloody lovely it is to not look and feel 9 months pregnant every single day.
The pain in my stomach has gone completely and again I think only other sufferers would truly understand the relief I speak of.
My energy levels while not through the roof have definitely increased and I can actually think straight now - my mind does not always feel dead.
But the thing I've noticed the most and am hoping and praying that it's not a fluke and will return is that my depression has lifted. It's bizarre to think that a Gluten Free diet could do that but it looks like it has. I actually wake up and look forward to the day now whereas I used to dread it.
Don't get me wrong I still have Narcolepsy so I sometimes struggle to get going in the morning and I still need to nap throughout the day but I no longer feel as though my batteries have died by 11am.
Another plus is that I am regular to the toilet - excuse the yuckiness. This has been an issue for me for years and I've switched between needing to take laxatives to needing Immodium for as long as I can remember. I even tried the Colon Cleanse tablets thinking that was the issue and those things are not something I would recommend anyone take unless you can stay at home literally all day and all night - you get my drift.
What I have been taking since day 1 of cutting out Gluten is a probiotic. I did some research and learned all about the damage Gluten intolerance can do to the good bacteria in the gut and the recommendation was a Probiotic that has a minimum of 20billion bacteria.
I chose a product - based on reviews - from Amazon called "Physis Advanced Probiotics" which has 50 billion viable bacteria strains.
It is 100% vegetarian/vegan safe and is Gluten free.
I admit I was sceptical about this Probiotic theory, I mean it made sense but then so did all the other fads I've been tempted by in the past but I am pleased to say this stuff works.
No more laxatives or Immodium for me, this stuff combined with Gluten Free food has sorted out my IBS and I've just ordered my second batch of it. I think I will continue using this for a long time to come.
If you're interested in the product here is the link to the one I bought

Physis Advanced Probiotics

If you have any of the following symptoms and think it could be a Gluten intolerance either go to your doctor (I lost faith in mine so decided to go this alone) and make sure it's not Celiac disease or cut out Gluten from your diet and see if your symptoms improve, but give it time as relief may not be instant.

• bloating or abdominal (stomach) pain
• flatulence and a noisy stomach
• weight loss
• tiredness and fatigue, which may be a sign of iron deficiency anaemia or folate deficiency anaemia
• tingling and numbness in your hands and feet (peripheral neuropathy)
• vomiting (usually only affects children)
• swelling of your hands, feet, arms and legs caused by a build-up of fluid (oedema)
• Dermatitis Herpetiformis - Itchy blisters or bumps on scalp, buttocks, elbows and knees but can present anywhere. (For me I get this along the insides of my fingers and until literally just now I did not realise what it actually was). 

Gluten intolerance

I was diagnosed with Narclepsy approximately 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with IBS before that and Fibromyalgia approximately 12 years ago.
For the past several years I've really battled with depression which I believe manifested in childhood, I've visited the doctor various times about both the depression and severe severe fatigue but I've always been fobbed off with it being a symptom of my conditions blah blah blah. In fact if my doctor has ever offered further advice it's always and only been to lose weight - if I go about fatigue it's "lose weight", headaches? "Lose weight". Joint pain? "Lose weight". I've had blood tests to check iron levels etc which were within range and I've had Cholesterol tests which while were high ("Lose weight) also had high ranges of good cholesterol.
So for years I've accepted this constant fatigue, tiredness, depression and other symptoms as part and parcel of my "conditions" and learned to well......get on I suppose.

For the past couple of years though I have noticed a pattern emerging whenever I eat certain food stuffs. Mainly bread. It seems that whenever I eat bread or pasta I immediately bloat up and get excrutiating stomach pains and if I continue to eat it another day then the fatigue will be so bad I literally cannot think or concentrate - I feel like a zombie.
So recently I decideed to google "why does bread make me bloat" and what I found totally astounded me. I kind of guessed that I must have an intolerance to it but I never knew what this intolerance to the ingredient 'gluten' was actualy doing to my body.
I googled the symptoms of Gluten intolerance. I will list them below and the ones highlighted in red are the ones I suffer pretty much on a daily basis

1. Digestive issues such as gas, bloating, diarrhea and even constipation.
2. Keratosis Pilaris, (also known as 'chicken skin' on the back of your arms). This tends be as a result of a fatty acid deficiency and vitamin A deficiency secondary to fat-malabsorption caused by gluten damaging the gut.
3. Fatigue, brain fog or feeling tired after eating a meal that contains gluten.
4. Diagnosis of an autoimmune disease such as Hashimoto's thyroiditis, Rheumatoid arthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Lupus, Psoriasis, Scleroderma or Multiple sclerosis.
5.  Neurologic symptoms such as dizziness or feeling of being off balance. 
6.  Hormone imbalances such as PMS, PCOS or unexplained infertility. 
7. Migraine headaches.
8. Diagnosis of chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. These diagnoses simply indicate your conventional doctor cannot pin point the cause of your fatigue or pain. 
9. Inflammation, swelling or pain in your joints such as fingers, knees or hips
10. Mood issues such as anxiety, depression, mood swings and ADD.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I see that I can check 8 out of 10 of those symptoms.
Having done further research on symptoms and diagnosis it seems that Gluten intolerance is actually very common and extremely debilitating if a sufferer continues to attack their body with the stuff.
I attempted to read a medical article on the different stages of harm that is inflicted on the adrenal gland of a sufferer but it became a load of mumbo jumbo after about the ninth page.

Further research has me convinced that I definitely have an intolerance to Gluten and quite possibly Dairy and chocolate (judging by the heart palpitations I get after eating it).
I figured I'll just cut out Gluten from my diet and see what happens - easy eh!  Well apparantly not - I was not aware of the amount of foodstuffs that contain Gluten - check it out

	Gluten Free Foods	Foods to check	Gluten Containing Foods
Cereals & Flour	Corn, rice, rice flour, amaranth, buckwheat, millet, teff, quinoa, sorghum, soya flour, potato starch, modified starch, potato flour, gram flour, polenta (cornmeal), sago, tapioca, cassava, urid flour	Some natural grains can be milled with wheat, barley or rye which means they can be contaminated, so check the label. Flavoured savoury rice products, oats.	Wheat, bulgar wheat, durum wheat, wheat bran, wheat rusk, wheat flour, wheat starch, modified wheat starch, wheat protein, rusk, semolina, couscous, barley, barley malt, barley flour, rye, rye flour, triticale, kamut, spelt.
Breads, Cakes & Biscuits	Products specifically labelled as gluten free, including breads, biscuits, crackers, cakes, pizza bases, rolls and flour mixes	Meringues, macaroons	All breads and rolls, chapattis, biscuits, crackers, cakes, pastries, scones, muffins, pizza made from wheat, rye or barley flour
Breakfast cereals	Products specifically labelled as gluten free, including muesli, oats (if tolerated), rice porridge, millet porridge	Buckwheat, corn, malted breakfast cereals, oats not labelled as gluten free.	Wheat-based breakfast cereals
Pasta & Noodles	Corn pasta, rice pasta, gluten free pasta, rice noodles, rice pasta		Canned, dried and fresh wheat noodles and pasta
Fruit & Vegetables	All fresh, frozen, canned and dried pure fruits and vegetables.	Fruit pie fillings, processed vegetables like cauliflower cheese, potato products - oven, microwave and frozen chips, instant mash, waffles	Vegetables and fruit in batter and breadcrumbs or dusted with flour.
Dairy Products	All cheeses, all milk (liquid & dried), all cream (single, double, whipping, clotted, soured and crème fraiche), buttermilk, plain yoghurt, plain fromage frais	Coffee and tea whiteners, oat milk, fruit and flavoured yoghurt/fromage frais, rice milk, soya milk	Milk with added fibre, yoghurt and fromage frais containing muesli or cereals
Meat, fish & eggs	All fresh meats & poultry, smoked meats, cured pure meats, plain cooked meats	Meat pastes, pates, sausages, burgers, if the meat is in a sauce- check the sauce is gluten free!	Meat and poultry cooked in batter or bread crumbs, faggots, rissoles, haggis, breaded ham
Fish & Shellfish	All fresh fish and shellfish, smoked, kippered and dried fish, fish canned in oil or brine	Fish in sauce, fish pastes and pates	Fish in batter or breadcrumbs, fish cakes, taramasalata, fish fingers
Fats & oils	Butter, margarine, lard, cooking oils, ghee, reduced and low-fat spreads	Suet, vegetarian suet
Savoury snacks	Homemade popcorn, rice cakes, rice crackers, gluten free crackers and pretzels. All plain nuts and seeds	Dry roasted nuts, pretzels, potato and vegetable crisps	Snacks made from wheat, rye, barley
Drinks	Tea, coffee, cocoa, fruit juice, squash, clear fizzy drinks, wine, spirits, cider, sherry, port, liquors, gluten free beers, ginger beer	Drinking chocolate, cloudy fizzy drinks, hot chocolate, cola	Malted milk drinks, barely waters/squash, beer, lager, ales, stouts

This is going to be harder than I thought since realising alot of the foods I eat are Gluten rich.
I'm determined to do this though - I am sick and tired of this awful pain and fatigue. Maybe it is even the cause of my Fibromylagia, in which case it may see an improvement there.
I'm quite excited to see how this pans out, today is my first day Gluten free and I'm checking everything I eat because just cutting out the bread and pasta (the food I know causes me inflammation) isn't enough, I have to remove ALL Gluten from my diet - for life!!  

this dieting crap is crap

I think the absolute lack of blogging speaks for itself when it comes to how the "diet" is going - basically, it isn't.
I returned from a couple of weeks in the sun full of good intentions - that vitamin D has a lot to answer for - and it did start out well. All rubbish went out the fridge and cupboards replaced by loads of cut fruit and veg, I weighed myself and even told my hubby what the damage was (I have never in 25 years of marriage divulged that information to him).
So what was the damage? Well, certainly not the 220 lb I expected thankfully but still not good at 214lb.
I actually thought I'd done well in the first week so was initially shocked at a 1lb gain. But then I had to take a realistic look at what I'd eaten and although my meals were very healthy I'd been to the cinema twice and had been out for an Indian meal, suddenly that gain wasn't a shock.
I haven't weighed myself this second week yet as I forgot today but tbh I expect a gain.

Today I started insanity again! I'm feeling a tad more determined this time to see this one through because I really do miss it when I'm not doing it and this time I want to see results for my efforts.
So today was fit test day and while before I would have knocked myself for results that I consider not to be good enough but now I'm just seeing them as room for improvement - so here they are.

Switch kicks - 71
Power jacks - 30
Power knees -59
Power jumps - 19
Globe jumps - 6
Suicide jumps - 9
Push up jacks - 11
Low side oblique - 39

Insanity Max30

I may as well start this by acknowledging a huge, bad, fat fact - it's been over 3 months since I last posted.
I don't know why - this blog was intended to be a journal of my weightloss journey so why I feel I cannot post when I'm floundering I don't quite understand.
Well, I'm floundering! At  least I WAS floundering, right on the abyss of wanting to lose weight but having zero motivation, zero energy and a staggeringly huge appetite.
Surprisingly (considering what I've been throwing down my gullet) my weight has not fluctuated to a great extent, I'm still lighter than I was at my heaviest (you see how I put that) but I haven't lost a teeny percentage of what I'm supposed to be aiming for.
I guess we've all been there - going from extreme motivation and determination to gradually convincing oneself that we really don't mind the way we are and that we should just learn to accept our body the way it currently is.
Well I was accepting my weight and body shape for the last 3 months, hence the mammoth amount of food I have consumed. I'm coming out the end of that particular self harming tunnel though and it's down to a couple of things
1) I happened across a new 'dietbet' challenge run by Tony Horton and I paid my $30 to enter before I had time to think what I was doing let alone time to talk myself out of it and
2) I go on holiday in 6 weeks and I had a very rare moment of deciding I was going to buy new clothes for the occassion. I'm one of those people who never ever buy clothes because I convince myself there's no point because I'm dieting and they won't fit me in a few months - 23 years later I still have those old clothes, which incidentally are coming back into fashion which would be a good thing if they actually fit me. So you see I kept all my old clothes and very rarely buy new ones unless I need a new pair of elasticated yoga pants for gardening or a fleece to hide my bulk.
But I digress - whilst looking at the clothes (online of course, I'd never humiliate myself by looking in changing room mirrors) I suddenly realised I didn't know what size to order and the thought of wasting time buying something the wrong size just made me all anxious.
So I decided enough was enough (this was yesterday by the way) and suddenly had an urge to work out - yes, I really did just say an urge to work out - so I found myself doing Day1 of Insanity Max30 with Shaun T.
Anyone who reads this blog will know what a fan I am of original Insanity - that work out is amazing and definitely my all time favourite, but each workout can take 1 hour and I'm reluctant to do that right now so I tried the new Insanity Max 30 - each workout is 30 minutes long whish is so much more doable.
Firstly let me just say DAAAAAAMN! I was expecting it to be much easier than Insanity - WRONG! If I had had the energy to write down my Max out figure it wouldn't have been much more than 1 minute - that's ridiculous.
I did Tabata power today and again DAAAAAMN! I'm having to modify every move right now which I never did in Insanity, I don't know if it's because I'm a year or so older or whether I am the unfittest I have even been in my life but I seriously struggled. Wake up call or what!

Once I've completed the first week of Insanity Max30 I'll do a review up to that point and then continue to post updates and progress reports thereafter - I finally have something health/weight related to talk about.
BTW my goal according to Dietbet is 8lbs in 4 weeks - I'm aiming for 10lbs!

I never expected this weight loss journey to be as simple as going from A to B but I seem to be detouring to every other letter from C to Z and I'm beginning to feel like a complete loser. Why on earth am I so flaky when it comes to weight Loss! I mean its hardly rocket science is it, I don't even have to stop eating all the things I love like chocolate etc, I simply have to stop eating it every day. So why the heck do I give in to temptation so easily?
Yesterday I did relatively good - a healthy breakfast and a healthy cooked meal at night but then I spotted 'master of taste American style brownie' ice cream in the freezer and I knew from that point I was fighting a losing battle. At first I just had a quarter of it and put it back ( a total first for me) and then later on I had a late bath to divert my mind from it. All was well - until I got out of the bath and in some weird automatic mode went and got the ice cream and finished it off in bed!!

Nutritional information for this ice cream informs me that I ate around 1000 calories and approx 68g of fat. Great.....just bloody great!
Note to self: when you next go food shopping do not convince yourself that you'll ration it this time - it hasn't happened the last 10 times and next time won't be any different.

While I'm whipping myself I may as well be honest and say that the 5/50 challenge was well and truly blown out of the water on roughly day 5. I can tell myself that it's down to lack of time but that's an outrageous over statement - it's easy to find time. I may as well just admit to myself that I'm either lazy or flaky or just not committed or even a combination of all three.
I love the idea of working out and I really want to start running again but getting the motivation to get going is proving ridiculously hard. Do they sell it in shops I wonder!!

Weight loss this week - 2lbs.

Exercise - oh boy!

Week 1 weigh in - a measly 1lb lost. Yes, I know it's better than nothing or eek - 1lb on but I had hoped for maybe a tad more.
I guess I should have been ready for it though because we had a 2 day power cut due to atrocious storms and I have to admit that I ate whatever was easy to eat during a power cut - basically rubbish.
Combine rubbish eating with no exercise and I guess I should be grateful for the 1lb loss.

I have the exercise front under some sort of control now. I want to begin running but I need to build my lungs up to it after the chest infection so I've begun a 5/50 challenge that my sister drew my attention to.
It's basically a commitment to 5k of exercise a day for 50 days, this can be anything from walking, running, swimming, cycling etc or a combination of them.
5k is certainly a doable distance isn't it, my problem is going to be remembering to do it every day, I'm only on day 2 and I almost forgot today lol.
I'm also going to introduce a squat and a crunch challenge on Monday just to add some interest. The squat challenge I've chosen is this one

I figured this one would be less boring than the same old squat day in, day out. The technique for these squats is available here at 'Well-girl'.

The crunch challenge will be this one

Again, I thought this would be a bit different to the usual crunch or sit up and would also work on the waist which is always an issue for me.

Self control

I was amazingly self controlled yesterday. I popped into town with my daughter and had to buy some mints for my other daughter as she's giving up smoking (much love to her) and I found myself face to face with chocolate bars. Initially I decided as I was hungry I'd buy a sandwich instead but they all looked so dry and fattening, it was at this point I then turned back to the chocolate, picked some up and tried to convince myself one little bar wouldn't hurt. But I didn't succumb 😃 I walked to the cashier to pay for the mints and nothing else. Thing is my daughter picked up a creme egg which made me suddenly want one and so I told my daughter to put another one on the counter but guess what, she'd picked up the last one so there was none left for me - there were loads of other flavour eggs but I don't like those so I choose to believe that someone was helping me  out 😀
Yesterday was a good day.
Until last night that is which I posted about yesterday and today I was still seething about the comments - to the point where I had to avoid certain people all morning because I didn't want to end up saying something that I would later regret.
I'm still disappointed by the comments and views that were expressed but I'm trying not to take them personally now and instead accept that some people have ignorant views and opinions.
Today has been a good day 😀

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious ignorance" - Martin Luther King.

Weighing up the enemy

Please be patient as I vent my frustration.

Watching a programme tonight titled "weighing up the enemy" caused much controversy and disagreement in the SG household - dare I say voices were even raised (mainly mine lol).
This programme pits 2 contestants against each other to see who could lose the most weight, but the controversy began when ' plus size awards ' were shown and were followed by household comments of "what the fuck"?
It seems that a certain mentality of people believe that such awards glorify and promote being over weight. The fact that for decades ridiculously skinny people and often unhealthy sized women have been promoted in magazines, on cat walks, in films etc is somehow acceptable. Super skinny models are recognised for their beauty despite unhealthy eating habits being employed to keep them there, designers promote their clothing ranges that do not fit figures above a 14 and yet these guys find that acceptable- it was even suggested a couple of times that you never see ribby models!! WTF!
I'm not suggesting that those skinny models should not be recognised for their achievements but why shouldn't plus size models be shown the same respect? Marilyn Monroe was once considered to have the most enviable of figures, yet now she is considered 'plus size' - it's sad and ridiculous.
People need to understand how ridiculed and persecuted plus size women have been for so so long - clothes were not available off the rack and what was available wasn't cut to fit plus size women, so when designers decided to cash in on this niche in the market it was to be welcomed.
However it seems some people in this household believe that plus size models should not be recognised nor awarded because they believe it will encourage and/ or promote weight gain. They fail to see that it could actually empower women to feel good about themselves which in turn could actually encourage health and weight loss and they also fail to recognise that some people are overweight through medication or health issues and cannot help the way they look so I say why shouldn't they be given the same air time and acceptance as skinny models.
At one point I asked if they thought 2 ladies in wedding gowns looked nice - I thought they did and tbh they couldn't have been much bigger than a size 16/18 (my current size), to which the response was an emphatic "no, not that size"
I wonder if they realised that they were actually telling me that I too do not look nice!

Rant over!

Monday weigh in.

Nothing like standing on the scales to bring you back into reality with all the finesse of a juggernaut hitting a tower block eh!
I had intended to take a photo of what the scales screamed out at me but I wasn't organised and left the camera downstairs so didn't have it to hand when I got up and weighed myself  (I only weigh myself first thing in a morning and it will only be once a week). I'll be more organised next week though and will begin weekly photos, I'm also trying to come up with some unusual way of photographing fat as it decreases.
So, what did those terrible scales say - well I weighed in at 218lbs. It's not my heaviest but I've certainly put alot back on since last year.

Start weight:   218lb
Current weight: 218lb
Goal weight :   160lb

58lbs is alot to lose when you look at it in one massive hit - which is what I would have done in the past - so I'm breaking it down into 7lb goals and once I achieve each goal I'll allow myself a non food treat (something I've never done in the past).

For visual motivation alongside photos which can take ages before showing a real difference I will be making myself a set of these

So how did Day 1 go? Initially not too bad. I'm following the slimming world plan and will mix that in with the 2 days of the fast diet once I'm fully aware of how to do it, so breakfast was literally a handful of Shreddies with SS milk. This small portion was a bit worrisome to begin with, I'd forgotten just how small a portion it is and portion size has alwasy been my main issue but I was quickly reminded just how filling small portions are IFF you picke the correct foods and Shreddies definitely fill me up

. Lunch was simply a Nature valley bar because I'd been busy outside and wasn't hungry but figured I should eat something

. Dinner was grilled Salmon with ric.
So all was well ...... until someone left some Bourbon biscuits in my line of sight and I'd dived into them before I even realised what I was doing - I swear the brain deliberately shuts down at these times to prevent you from recognising what you're doing and stopping it.
I'm not cursing myself though, it's not the end of the world and there's going to be many more days like this so I'll simply hope that todays activity burned off those biscuit calories and I'll drink loads more water to keep me feeling fuller too.

Over the next wee while I'll be redesigning and revamping my blog page. It's been in need of it for a while in order to bring it more up to date and to include some more interest. It's not a new year resolution thing - I have 3 blogs and they all need doing - but more that I've been neglecting this one of late. It seems I only blog when my healthy eating is going to plan and then when I slip a little I can't bring myself to publicly display it so I hide instead.
Well I can't afford to do that now! My latest blood test results showed an increase in my gamma? Levels and as this could eventually lead to type 2 diabetes I have to start taking my health seriously. This means I have to start being accountable for my weight and for the food I eat and with that in mind I will be posting my weight on my blog after weigh in on Monday morning - posting weight is something I have always refused to do.
I'm not going on any fad diet - I'll follow the slimming world healthy eating plan as I have all the gumph for it. I'm hoping to avoid needing to go to class as they're late evening and 15 miles away but if I cannot stick to it myself then I'll definitely be attending.
Exercise will definitely need looking at because I've done diddly squat for such a long time. I have a flare up of asthma at the moment due to a chest infection so I'll have to start out with simple walking but then I'll move on to either Insanity or the new Insanity Max:30.
I'm actually quite looking forward to this journey and I know my weakness will be sweet things when I'm watching tv so I've already begun to limit the time I watch tv and the ridiculous amount of time I spend on Facebook - I will set time aside for blogging and for Pinterest but fb really is going to be limited.
So with all that in mind I will post again here on Monday with my weigh in figures and take it from there.

Raspberry keytone plus and Colon cleanse

It doesn't seem to matter how much I want to lose weight, I - along with so many others - just seem to go through a cycle of weightloss / weightgain and while I'm no heavier than I was several months ago I'm also no lighter.
I've been running lately hoping by some miracle it will be enough to drop 2 stone overnight but guess what.....it isn't! Who knew!!!
Our holiday to Mexico is now just 7 weeks away, I've put off buying nice clothes for it just in case I miraculously lose weight and need a smaller size. It sounded like a good plan at the time but summer is now over and all the shops have their winter range of clothes in store and I'm now left hoping and praying I can still get into the clothes currently sitting in my wardrobe that I haven't worn since our last holiday almost 2 years ago. Some things never change I guess.

I've never been one to buy into weightloss pills that promise extreme weightloss in less than a month and those fat binding pills available from the doctor really do not interest me either - oh, the horror stories I've read about those.
So I was a little surprised that I found myself ordering a bottle of Raspberry Keytone plus and a bottle of Colon cleanser from 'Evolution slimming'

We've all heard about Raspberry keytones right? We've heard all the rave reviews and claims that it's the supplement all the stars are using?
Well I decided nothing ventured, nothing gained, I'll give them a go and see how they work for me. Obviously they're not a miracle cure for obesity, diet and exercise also has to play a part but I figured they were a gentle enough supplement that wouldn't result in desperate dashes to the loo to eliminate all that fat that the body can't process from using some of those other weight loss pills.
Well I was sort of right and also sort of wrong:


Day 2 of the Raspberry Keytones and the Colon Cleanse (yes, I did just say day 2) and I found just how quick they are to work. The day I started them hubby and I decided we would make the 2 hour trip to Inverness the next day so I decided not to take the night time Colon Cleanse tablets 'just in case'. We got up at 5am and I took 2 Colon Cleanse tablets as instructed and took the Keytones with me to have before breakfast. Within 30 minutes of driving to Inverness my bowels weren't just moving they were making the most awful noises and 40 minutes into the drive I was feeling really uncomfortable and experiencing wave after wave of needing to use the loo. As each wave died down I would be relieved only to find it start up again a few minutes later - I never use public loos so the thought of having to go was making me feel really anxious too.
After 1.5 hours we made it to Morrisons supermarket for a loo break - damn thing was shut! I couldn't believe I would have to wait another 30 minutes and use Inverness train station loos - by this point my bum cheeks were screaming in agony from all the clenching!
At several points I honestly feared I would have to use a field and wet wipes - oh the shame!
We finally make it to Inverness and thankfully it was still early morning so there were hardly any people milling about and absolutely no one in the loos - this was a blessing not just for me but for all those that could have witnessed a mass evacuation.
Once the deed was done I hightailed it out of the station and never looked back. Instead of lingering around Inverness as we usually would do we hit 2 shops, the bank and then came straight home - just in time for the next wave of colon cleansing!
Last night was spent making trips to the loo and trying to cope with awful stomach cramps.
I'd almost decided to stop taking the colon cleanse, instead I have lowered the dose to 1 tablet twice a day just for today and then I will resume normal doseage - I just won't be able to leave the home while I'm on them.
Apparantly this bowel movement is normal behaviour at the beginning of the course so anyone thining of taking these needs to be aware of this and know how they can work around it.
As for the Raspberry keytones, well I won't know until weigh day on Monday whether they have helped with any weightloss but I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

Nutribullet - recipes so far have been awful.

I have finally accepted that shopping channels lie! I bet most of y'all got there some time ago but I so want to believe that products sold are exactly as described on TV and work exactly as they claim.
This brings me to the 'Nutribullet'. After my second attempt with the 'Vitamix' I watched the 'Nutribullet' commercials and after speaking to my mum who has one I decided to bite the bullet (pardon the pun) and buy one as a cheaper alternative to the Vitamix.
Now I can watch the 'Nutribullet' commercials and see them in a whole different light, there is no way that the ingredients he makes those juices with taste as good as what he and the female presenter make out - in fact the female is seen to be making Mmmmmm noises before the liquid has even touched her mouth.
I've tried a huge amount of variants with these juices and the best one has been a concoction that I could actually manage to drink as long as I held my nose and didn't taste it until I'd finished, while there have been one or two that have literally made me gag.
All those fruits and veggies that you love to eat taste absolutely foul when they're mushed up!
So I'm now left with making virgin Pina Colada and Banana ice cream which tasted amazing and totally surprised me cos it tasted foul in the 'Vitamix'.

I'll keep trying though. All I need is one or two juice or smoothie recipes that I can tolerate and that doesn't smell or taste like something the dog threw up!

I want to be drinking something that looks like this

While in reality THIS is what everything seems to look like and yes, it tastes as disgusting as it looks

Focus T25 + Nutribullet

I'm pretty useless at keeping this blog updated. Probably because I feel that every post seems to be a negative one and I've never really been one for posting random life stuff just for some blog content - I like reading it of other people but don't really think my lifes journey makes a very interesting read for other people.

This latest weightloss attempt has been pretty pathetic to say the least. I start of brilliantly and focused on healthy eating but as soon as I start to lose weight and feel healthier I gradually start over eating again. I've used every excuse under the sun for what I do but the upshot of it is that it's me thatputs the food in my mouth, it's me that says "just one won't hurt", it's me that says "I've been good all week so....." and it's me that says "You're fine as you are" in those weak moments when I just can't resist that bar of chocolate.
'They' say that admitting it is the hardest part - bollox! That's the sodding easy part - "My name is Linda and I overeat, eat too much chocolate and can't control it" - see easy! And I mean every bit of it, I'm not just saying it. So I waited for this sudden epithany and a weakening of the want for chocolate and guess what - I'm still waiting!!

I now have just 4 months or so until we go to Mexico and I was supposed to have lost a significant amount of weight by this point. As it is I do not know what I weigh because I'm gotten all scared of the scales again.
A few days ago I decided I was going to do exactly what I am against me doing - I was going to go on some kind of meal replacement plan and lose weight fast. I don't want to lose weight fast because of the increased chance of loose skin but what the heck - desperate times and all that.
Then I came to my senses - that kind of diet is not for me and I'm not doing it. Instead I have bought myself a nutribullet. After the fiasco with the Vitamix I was hesitant to get a juice machine again but my mum has recently bought one and says they're fabulous, so that's the route I am going.
My breakfast will be a healkthy smoothie instead of cereal with milk and sometimes my lunch will be a healthy smoothie instead of either nothing or something that involves bread. Then I will simply have a healthy meal at night and eat as much fruit as I like. Sorted!

I've also started 'Focus T25' with my daughter, a Shaun T workout five days a week for only 25 minutes though don't let the amount of time fool you into thinking it's an easy workout - it really isn't.

Nutribullet + Focus T25 = weightloss (it has to).

Once I find some delicious recipes especially ones that help get me through a T25 workout I'll be posting them on here :)

Vitamix defeat

The Vitamix arrived and now the Vitamix is all wrapped up and ready to go back to whence it came!
I tried, I really did - well as much as I could within the allotted 30 day money back guarantee allowed anyway. I had such high hopes for my relationship with this machine and even now as I wait for the courier to collect it (3rd week of waiting) I'm tempted to get it back out the box and keep it regardless. But it's an expensive ornament for the kitchen!
So what went wrong? Absolutely nothing to do with the Vitamix itself, it's capable of everything they claim and more but it's limited to the users ability/perserverance/patience and unfortunately I'm lacking in all 3 areas.
I was so looking forward to making the Banana icecream from just frozen Bananas and the first attempt was foul due to my eagerness and using barely ripe Bananas (just for the record - yuk!) so I bought more Bananas and left them (guarded them) for days and days while they over ripened, at which point I chopped them up and froze them. I was literally drooling by the time it came to make the next batch of Banana ice cream - I did everything right (well as suggested by youtube users anyway) and while the ice cream was a lovely texture the taste was still awful, though nowhere near as bad as before. So I added some peanut butter (again as suggested on youtube) but the result was even more awful. That was the extent of my ice cream making.
Next I tried a lovely soup recipe, followed it to the letter (though I added some pepper) and the result was .......different. I could get past the smoothie texture but blinkin heck it burnt my mouth from the pepper.
So I tried some smoothie recipes. It's strange how all the veggies and fruit you usually like just do not taste very nice when they're blitzed. For example I could eat Cucumber whole - I love it - but blitz it in a smoothie and it really isn't so nice.
I tried various smoothies but none of us could hand on heart say that we would finish even one glass of it let alone try it again.
The final test was virgin Pina Colada. The problem here was that by the time I'd gotten the Coconut milk/Pineapple juice and ice ratio perfect I'd made so much of it that it could never all be used.
By this point my family were bemused that I was even going any further with it and I admitted defeat. I am never going to be a lover of smooth soup (I prefer chunky soup) and by the time I'd bought various products experimenting with the machine I'd spent an awful lot of money.

So the Vitamix is going back and I'll continue to experiment with smoothies using my hand held mixer.

Dr Phil

I've been watching Dr Phil for the first time today, I just happened across one of his shows on Youtube and I was hooked.
Obviously the weight loss ones are of most interest to me as I can relate to what people are saying in response to Dr Phils questioning. Like when he asked a guy on episode 'Fat, furious and fedup' why he was so overweight, the guy really didn't know the answer to the question but it got me asking myself the same thing.
I've often heard the idea that the key to understanding the destructive habit of overeating is to understand what started the habit in the first place and that, for me is an even harder question to answer. I've always had food issues and a negative relationship with food but also with my body so maybe that is part of the equation with me.
I was a slim child and stayed that way into young adulthood but I do remember 2 particular instances that stick in my mind and probably effected me in ways I didn't realise. One time a friend and I were walking to the shops all dressed up and feeling pretty good and a group of lads laughed and pointed at my ankles claiming they looked like "they're gonna snap", another time I was standing on tiptoe putting a poster on my bedroom wall (again dressed up ready to go out) and my sister quite innocently claimed that my calves made me look like "Rambo in a dress" (I was extremely slim and toned from exercise and having a horse). Both those statements have stayed with me to this day so I think I can assume they play a negative role in how I think now.
Anyway back to Dr Phil.
Dr Phil went on to question this guy about his reasons (excuses) he hadn't managed to lose weight yet despite claiming he'd made numerous attempts - his excuses astounded even me and included allergy to exercise, not sure footed enought to walk in the dark, the gym smelt funny and the one we've all used at some point - it's genetic!
But then Dr Phil made a statement that really hit home for me, he was referencing this guys battle with weightloss and was acknowledging that we all get to the point where we think we've gained too much now and that the journey to lose it is just too long. When the guy agreed, Dr Phil said to him "You think the journey is too long but whether you lose weight or not, you will still be here this time next year".
I've been trying to lose weight for about 22 years now though for the first 10 or so I only had pounds to lose though I believed I had stones to lose - this was a very warped view of my bodyweight on my part.
But Dr Phils statement made me realise something - I always view weightloss, diets, failures etc by looking at the past - what I was doing this time last year or where I was weightwise 5 years ago. I can see the destructive patterns of the last 22 years and I'm constantly focusing on past attempts thinking 'what's the point in trying, I've gone too far now?'. But I've never thought to look ahead of time, what I will be or could be this time next year and suddenly Dr Phils statement made so much sense - If I don't lose weight because I feel it takes too long to do it then this time next year I'll still be in this exact same situation and I'll have given up another whole year of my life to this battle.

Moodgym

I came across a particular website many years ago when I was once again fighting depression, until now I had forgotten all about it but it appeared in my recent google searches while looking for mind/thought help to combat all these negative feelings I have.
The site is called 'Moodgym'

"MoodGYM is an interactive program designed to help you:

• Identify whether you are having problems with emotions like anxiety and depression,
• Learn skills that can help you cope with these emotions.

MoodGYM is based on two programs which are successful in preventing and treating depression and anxiety. These are: Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Interpersonal Therapy."

It's a free to use interactive site where you complete various assessments to assess your current state of thinking and helps you to understand the destructive impact it has on your day to day life, it then helps to teach you how to re-programme the brain into looking at situations differently and thinking differently thereby increasing positive thought while banishing the negative.
Again it's a slow process but I'm already enlightened after only a couple of exercises. I know that depression is a strong force in me and I'm usually able to recognise when the Black dog (depression) is snarling and when he's just assertively watching. To be honest I didn't think I was particularly depressed of late, that is until I started answering the interactive questions on Moodgym and now I can see that while I may not feel particularly weepy or sad right now, the feeling of nothing is another symptom of the Black dog and my interactive results really opened my eys to this.

My Moodgym result for the "Depression test"  was in the "High to very high range" and my results for the "Anxiety test" were in "The middle range" (basically no different to the average person).

Like I said I was surprised at the depression result, I didn't realise that some of the things I think were depressive symptoms though I can now see how negative they are.
I'm certainly looking forward to learning to cope with these thoughts and hopefully they will eventually help me to lose weight.

Feeding the positive

It's been a whole month since I posted and I have to admit that its not because I'm enjoying life as a new super slim svelte goddess - quite the opposite actually.
I've actually been ready to give up the whole dieting malarky, convinced myself that I obviously deep down do not want to lose weight because if I did then I would just do it already - that's how it works isn't it? Yup, that is seriously where my head has been at - it's too hard to keep torturing myself over the same old weightloss issues so I'll just convince myself I'm happy as I am! We've all been there I'm guessing!

So what changed? Well, although I was telling myself those things I didn't truly believe it. I am sick and tired of this bloody vicious circle of diet, lose weight, feel great, binge, gain weight, hate myself. It really has become tedious and exhausting - 22 bloody years later.
I realised that I dwell way too much on the past and admit that maybe I use past experiences as excuses as to why I am the way I am - while I accept that my past is part of who I am it shouldn't really have such a hold on my future should it?
I cannot change the past but I can sure as hell change my future.
I've been checking out CBT self help sites on the tinterweb as I can be a very negative, cup half empty kind of person that needs constant validation from those I love. I've become very 'what's the point?' or 'it won't be good enough anyway' in my attitude toward things I used to enjoy doing such as gardening and crafting. I've now got a humongous list of things I would like to make or do or achieve but know that I will never do them because either a) I've made them totally unrealistic (but still berate myself for not being able to do them) or b) I prefer to know I could do them and leave it at that than to attempt them and get it wrong or be rubbish at it.
So I found a good CBT site that helped me to understand negative thought and learn how to turn those thoughts around to positive ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suddenly cured, in fact it's going to take a long time but it's already changing my way of thinking.
I also found a site called 'Healthy weight centre' which gives you questionnaires to fill in and then help you to understand your answers and see where your train of thought is going.
I am new to both those sites so I haven't made full use of them yet and I suspect it needs to be a daily drip feed of visiting them to start with but I'm now feeling hopeful and positive.
I am not going to lose weight overnight - I have to accept that, I'm not going to lose weight just by exercise alone either - I have to learn to eat mindfully, but it suddenly doesn't seem so daunting.

"Within each person there are two dogs fighting; one that is positive and one that is negative. which one wins? The one that you feed"

Vitamix

I've wanted to get into smotthie making for a while now but I only have a stick blender and the few attempts I made at pulverising fruit were really not what I expected.
I love strawberries but they tasted absolutely foul when blended and I really couldn't get a good ratio when mixed with other fruits - basically I gave up.
Since doing Insanity I've been relying on Lucozade sport to get me through a workout and as much as I love the taste of the drink I'm fully aware that its ingredients aren't exactly desireable when trying to lose weight.
So I've been looking at juicers for some time and as good as some of them look the fact that they extract juice from the skins and pulp which is then discarded has put me off buying one - most of the goodness is in the bits that are discarded.
So what to do? Well a few years ago I bought a Vitamix off QVC for a ridiculous amount of money, the presenters claimed it could make soup, smoothies, ice cream, various milks and much much more. When the machine arrived here I immediately chucked veggies in and made hot soup - flippin eck it was disgusting. It tasted like raw grass.
I was already cheesed off because the machine had taken 2 weeks to arrive and then it only got here because I travelled 100 miles to pick it up, so when the soup tasted foul I quickly wrapped it back up and made QVC come collect it. Boy have I regretted it ever since!
5 years later and I have taken the plunge again, I am now waiting for the arrival of my Vitamix from QVC, excited doesn't quite cover it (insert huge miley face here).

This machine is going to be put through its paces within the money back guarantee time, it won't be going back unless the darned thing breaks on me.
I'm now scouring the net for various recipes. As well as a pre workout smoothie, I'd like to find a recipe that would make a smoothie that would get my husband through the day - he's a builder and refuses to eat all day - so maybe something with oats!

Here's my Vitamix in all its gorgeous glory - oh Vitamix you WILL change my life.

Bucket list.

So, I was driving into Wick today and as is prone to happen on boring, lonesome journeys I started thinking about random things. Todays randomness was my bucket list. I actually do not have a bucket list but I got to thinking about what I would put on it if I did. Here's what I got

1) Visit New York, Atlanta and New Orleans.
2) .........................Erm.............

Yup, that's the extent of my bucket list, the extent of what I want to do before I die. What I can't work out is whether my lack of objectives is a good thing or a sad thing - is that I've done all I want to do or I just have no imagination!
Have you noticed anything yet?
As I continued to drive along, desperately trying to think of things to fill the list out and realising I had no inclination to throw myself out of a plane, swim with sharks nor write a novel something dawned on me "oh. wow. I didn't even think about weight loss".
I wonder what Freud would have to say about that?
To be honest although I want to lose weight I don't want to have to - does that make sense? I want to be happy with the way I look at the size I am and I want to never have to bother with losing weight ever again. But......there it is....... such a small word with so much meaning - but! The truth is I know how I look to other people and I know that it's generally accepted that I need to lose weight. I want to buy clothes and know that a size 12 will fit, I want to feel good wearing nice clothes and I want to be comfortable having my photo taken.
On the upside, today I realised something. I've been telling myself that I need to lose 5 stone to look half decent and be at an ideal weight however today I realised it's actually 3 stone I need to lose not 5 - how bloody cool is that :)