It's been a whole month since I posted and I have to admit that its not because I'm enjoying life as a new super slim svelte goddess - quite the opposite actually.
I've actually been ready to give up the whole dieting malarky, convinced myself that I obviously deep down do not want to lose weight because if I did then I would just do it already - that's how it works isn't it? Yup, that is seriously where my head has been at - it's too hard to keep torturing myself over the same old weightloss issues so I'll just convince myself I'm happy as I am! We've all been there I'm guessing!
So what changed? Well, although I was telling myself those things I didn't truly believe it. I am sick and tired of this bloody vicious circle of diet, lose weight, feel great, binge, gain weight, hate myself. It really has become tedious and exhausting - 22 bloody years later.
I realised that I dwell way too much on the past and admit that maybe I use past experiences as excuses as to why I am the way I am - while I accept that my past is part of who I am it shouldn't really have such a hold on my future should it?
I cannot change the past but I can sure as hell change my future.
I've been checking out CBT self help sites on the tinterweb as I can be a very negative, cup half empty kind of person that needs constant validation from those I love. I've become very 'what's the point?' or 'it won't be good enough anyway' in my attitude toward things I used to enjoy doing such as gardening and crafting. I've now got a humongous list of things I would like to make or do or achieve but know that I will never do them because either a) I've made them totally unrealistic (but still berate myself for not being able to do them) or b) I prefer to know I could do them and leave it at that than to attempt them and get it wrong or be rubbish at it.
So I found a good CBT site that helped me to understand negative thought and learn how to turn those thoughts around to positive ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suddenly cured, in fact it's going to take a long time but it's already changing my way of thinking.
I also found a site called 'Healthy weight centre' which gives you questionnaires to fill in and then help you to understand your answers and see where your train of thought is going.
I am new to both those sites so I haven't made full use of them yet and I suspect it needs to be a daily drip feed of visiting them to start with but I'm now feeling hopeful and positive.
I am not going to lose weight overnight - I have to accept that, I'm not going to lose weight just by exercise alone either - I have to learn to eat mindfully, but it suddenly doesn't seem so daunting.
"Within each person there are two dogs fighting; one that is positive and one that is negative. which one wins? The one that you feed"