Incentive

We all have those weightloss goals that we're aiming for, whether it be to lose 5lb, 50lb or 150lb and many of us keep weightloss journals to keep us accountable and to be able to 'see' the transformation via thoughts and feelings.

So what is your motivation? Your incentive? Your goals?

Mine, is to lose 70 lb. When do I want to do this by? - January!  Why? - because my husband and I are going on our first holiday in 3 years with our good friends that we barely manage to see because they live some 500 miles away.  These are the rare type of friend whereby we can not pick up the phone for a couple of months but everything is still perfectly normal when we do get round to talking - there is no expectation to have regular 'phone ins'.
By the time we go on holiday with our friends we won't have seen them for a few years but the minute we meet up it'll be like we've spent every day together - it's that easy!
So in January 2013 we'll be heading out to Jamaica for 2 weeks of all inclusive indulgence - a sunshine break that will be most welcome in the bleakest part of a UK winter

It's not just the holiday though. It's the fact that when I get there I want to be comfortable and I am determined that I will be able to wear nice clothes. I'm sick of going away and feeling like a fat frump when we dress up for dinner.
I want to wear flowing, cooling dresses and not have to consider hiding my arms and I do not want to avoid having my photo taken - I have no photographic memories of some lovely holidays because I refuse to have my picture taken.

So with this weightloss in mind (s**t it's weigh in tonight :(  I have taken the Insanity challenge. I do also run 2 - 3 times a week as I'm training for a 10k but Insanity has taken over.
Every morning I wake up in more muscle pain than the last but I know that once I get moving about the pain will ease and I manage to get through those workouts.
Today was Cardio Recovery. Now I'm not sure what definition of recovery Shaun T is working from here but let's just say, it's not as easy as I thought it would be.
Granted there's not a whole amount of demanding cardio but some of these moves and stretches.....damn! I'm not as supple as I had kidded myself I was!
I got through though and I am still loving this workout - I have never been so stoked about a workout in my life and tbh, no matter what pain I am in, hitting the play button is easy!

I'm suffering now though :(    I have Fibromyalgia and Narcolepsy and I know that if I do something demanding like Insanity it's going to knock me for 6 after a few days - I'm now shattered. I feel mentally and physically exhausted!
Not going to stop me though - who knew I could be so positive! - I'm up for the next round of Shaun T's insane workout tomorrow :D
Plus I think I may include Hip Hop Abs when I do the second round of insanity  :)

Dig Deep

Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life.
- Phillip C. McGraw

Ok so I'm only on Day 2 of Insanity (Day 3 if you include the fit test) but I can already see that this is a different workout to all the other DVD's I've bought that now reside in the DVD graveyard.
So many things make it different - the workouts for a start (they're hardcore), the motivation from Shaun T as he goes (somewhat like Billy blanks, except he doesn't stick his face right in the camera - can't decide whether that's a good or bad thing ;), but mostly I think it's the interaction - you really do not feel alone doing these BeachBody workouts.
I have a free online coach that is available to offer support, encouragement, motivation and answer any questions I have. His FB page also does the same.
The BeachBody website lets me log onto the forum and chat to others going through the same pain ;), make buddies and pretty much get all the extra motivation I need. I can also log every workout and record my stats as I go - very important for that TShirt that I am so going to earn :)
Today I have just completed Cardio Power & Resistance. What you have to bear in mind is when I got up at 6:30am I could barely move. My legs, hips and feet hurt so bad I was seriously worried about managing a workout. But I had some toast, drank a heap, donned the trainers and pressed play.
The workout was pretty much as knackering as I thought it would be - it's bloomin hard, especially if fat gets in the way of some of the moves like getting up from the floor very quickly, but I got through it by constantly saying out loud "I can do this".
Again I loved every painful moment of it. Insanity rocks!

Climb The Mountain

Climb The Mountain

I tried to climb the mountain today. As I inched my way up the path, I felt out of breath and had to turn back.
I tried to climb the mountain today. But, It was so hot outside, I thought I had better stay in my nice air-conditioned house and rest up for tomorrow's attempt.
I tried to climb the mountain today. On my journey, darkness started to fall and I was full of fear, so I had to return to a safe place.
I was ready to climb the mountain today. But I had so may other things to do, so instead of climbing the mountain I took care of the much more important tasks; I washed my car, mowed the grass and watched the big game. Today the mountain will have to wait.
I was going to climb the mountain today. But as I stared at the mountain in all it's majestic beauty, I knew I had no chance of making it to the top, so I figured why even begin trying.
I had forgotten about climbing the mountain today, until an old friend came by and asked what I was up to lately. I told him about all my plans to climb that mountain someday. I went on and on about how I was going to accomplish the task.
He stopped me and said, "I just got back from climbing that mountain. for the longest time I told myself I was going to try to climb it but never made any progress."
"I almost let the dream of making it to the top die. I came up with every excuse of why I could not make it up the mountain, but never once did I give myself a reason why I could. One day as I stared at the mountain and pondered, I realized that if I didn't make an attempt at this dream all my dreams would eventually die."
" The next morning, I started my climb. It was not easy, and at times I wanted to quit. But no matter what I faced, I placed one foot in front of the other, keeping a steady pace. When the wind tried to blow me over the edge, I kept walking. When the voices inside my head screamed, stop! I focused on my goal, never letting it out of sight. I kept moving forward. I could not quit because I knew I had come too far to stop now. Time and time again, I reassured myself that I was going to finish this journey. I struggled mightily to make it to the top, but I CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN."
"I have to be going," my friend said. "Tomorrow is a new day to accomplish more dreams. By the way what are you going to do tomorrow?"
I looked at him, with intensity and confidence in my eyes, and said, "I HAVE A MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB."Author unknown


So todays Insanity challenge was 'Plyometric Cardio Circuit'.
I've looked forward to this one because I know Plyometrics are supposed to be good for running form so although this is my first real Insanity workout I was eager to press play.
10 minutes in and I was sweating as much as those guys you see on the Insanity commercial - seriously bucket loads.
The stretching after 10 minutes was awesome - some of those stretches were really stretching out some of my problem areas - and it was while I was doing these stretches that is suddenly dawned on me that the previous 10 minutes had been a bloody warm up :/
By the time the warm up (full blown workout as far as I'm concerned) and stretches were over there was something like 25 minutes left on the clock so I figured "25 minutes that's all. I can do this. Easy".
Hmmmm, yeah, seems not so much!
This workout was pure cardio and torture - but I loved it.
I wouldn't say I kept up with all the fitties on screen ;) but I gave it my best shot. I took more breaks than Shaun T did but I kept moving for those breaks and I made them as short as possible and then I got back in there and did my best to 'Dig deep'.
I found some of the floor movements difficult and especially jumping up from the floor but I'm sure these will improve with the loss of some belly fat :)

Another good day here so far - though it's only 9:30am. The Black Dog is in his kennel - finally! Not just that but I think he's actually sleeping. Ssssssshhhhhh! ;)

Insanity - Perfect name

Today was my first day of the Insanity workout - Fit test day!
Just the warm up Shaun T takes us through had me sweating as much as I would on a 3 mile run.
The actual fit test was nothing  less than completely and utterly knackering BUT it was also soooo enjoyable. Yes, I did say enjoyable! I think I found it enjoyable because I know what this challenge means to me - I need to enjoy this challenge no matter how painful it ends up being.
I really do not know what constitutes a decent fit test result for a 70 lb overweight, 40 year old weeble woman so I could not tell you whether my results were good or not. I'm just going to take them for what they are (my first results) and hope and pray that I see some drastic improvement as I go along.

1. Switch Kicks - 40: I honestly thought I'd find this move easy  but apparantly not! I sucked at it!
2. Power jacks - 30: O my! and O dear!
3. Power knees - 52: Loved this move! :)
4. Power Jumps - 11: It would seem my jumps are not so powerful and are not so easy to do - for a weeble anyway!
5. Globe jumps - 6: Bear in mind 1 rep to this move has 4 jumps to it.
6. Suicide Jumps - 10: Very aptly named and very knackering.
7. Push up jacks - 14: I so wanted to be good at this one but co ordination appears to be an issue.
8. Low plank Oblique - 43: Another enjoyable move but very very hard.

The hardest part for me today wasn't the fit test, it was taking the before photos. I don't mean hard because the stupid camera timer was hard to master but because I do not like my photo being taken (hence the timer. No way is someone taking them for me).
Taking my photo in figure hugging gear goes against everything I have done for the past 20 years but that is how determined I am to do this. I'm not sure when those before images will appear on here though - maybe when I've taken the next ones and can see an improvement :D
Not only have I had to take the photos but I have to send them off for others to see because I want that Tshirt - I made a huge deal about that Tshirt but this is how desperately I want it!

I also made a huge grumble about not being able to take part in the Team Beachbody forum because it's not open to International customers yet BUT Beachbody have been amazing and have set me up an account regardless and I can now use the support online - yay for Beachbody!

Excited.com

Today is a good day :D
I woke up with a positive attitude and am managing to stop negative thoughts before they start or at least respond to the negative thought with a positive one. The Black Dog isn't in his kennel just yet, he's trotting along at my heel giving out a warning growl every now and again but I soon shut him up with a positive thought or change of action.
Today is a good day :D

I'm kinda glad that today isn't a running day because the heat is just too much to run in at the moment - it's probably not much hotter than 25 degrees but that sun is hoooooot, plus we live in the Scottish Highlands so anything over 15 degrees has us sweltering.
So, the perfect job for a hot day when hubby, the daughters and one of the daughters boyfriends are all at home?
Cleaning out this:

Usually we do it once a year as all the reeds start to grow but last year we didn't do it at all so it's full of reeds that are threatening to smother the Lillies.
Although I say 'we' cleared it out I actually mean Wayne got in the pond and pulled out all the reeds, put them into the boat and then towed them to the edge where I emptied it - no way am I getting in there. I've seen the Lizards that chase you (though Wayne insists they're just newts) and it houses some species of giant people eating frogs plus the insects in there look like they're on steroids and have some serious pincers.
Leanne helped by sunbathing whilst shouting out warnings to me about the Frogs that were stalking me.
Stacey helped by being major brave and getting in the pond with the dogs to cool them down. Hilarious to watch a Cairn Terrier jump in after a huge football, somehow manage to get a teeth lock on it and swim back to the bank with it. The damn ball was twice the size of the dog.
As for Staceys boyfriend, well he helped move all those darn reeds once I'd managed to get them out the boat - he's a good lad!
Still not finished though we have one more day of clearing to do in there and then we can make ideas to improve the banks :)

And the best bit of news today ......................drum roll............................ It's heeeeeeeere...............

Insanity has arrived at the Claxson household :D  and I couldn't be happier. I'm all ready to start it on Monday and am ready for the burn and the pain and the nauseous feeling and ..oh yeah....the pain!

Today is a good day :)

Oops, reality check & the Black dog.

After moaning and griping in my earlier post below I suddenly had the urge to run - I know, shocked me too.
I asked leanne if she was up for it, which she was so we got changed and headed out.
Leannes pace still amazes me - she has this graceful lope which I just can't manage.
The sun was blazing and we decided (well it happened to work out this way)  that hills was the way to go. We went 3/4 of the way round the block, turned round and did the hills all over again. 2.8 miles total.
Feeling better already - that Black dog does not like exercise endorphins.

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Well where do I begin? Maybe I'll start with Oops!
Went to Fatclub weigh in last night (really need to get out of the habit of calling it fatclub, been watching too much Little Britain methinks) and managed to gain 2.5lbs in 2 weeks - Oops!
I'd love to be able to say that I don't understand how on earth I managed to find 2.5lbs, that I've been perfect all week and it just doesn't make sense. But I'd be lieing! I've eaten like a Rhippo this week (a cross between a Rhino and a Hippo cos i can't decide which one I actually am) and spent more time than is healthy convincing myself that a packet of biscuits, egg & chips, chocolate etc etc really won't make me put that much weight on. Wrong! Oops!

Now for the reality check. I am only a couple of pounds away from being where I was when I started fatclub Slimming World last year - I've put almost 21 lbs back on - how bloody stupid of me :(

The Black Dog - I refer to my episodes of depression in terms of The Black Dog. Winston Churchill, that amazing wartime leader of Britain, suffered from deep depression and he coined The Black Dog term.
By naming depression The Black Dog we can use this as a tool to help control it. The aim is for the Black Dog to be happily sleeping away in his kennel but tbh I'm happy whenever he's simply running to heel by my side - not barking or snapping at my heels.
I thought I'd got a handle on him and that he was behaving himself. I think I may have ignored his growls of warning because the last few days he's managed to have me cornered with his snapping and snarling.
He's took the fun out of every hobby I have - I don't find any pleasure in gardening, photography, cardmaking or exercise - I'm seriously struggling here!
I have mental tools to use when this happens to get the Black Dog to back off, such as listening to music via headphones (Black Dog hates music), this helps me to drown out those negative thoughts (Black dog snapping and snarling), I make a real effort to stop negative thought and replace with positive thought (Black Dog hates positive) and I force myself to get out for a walk (Black Dog loathes the happy endorphins from exercise) but today I seriously struggled with any of them.
I looked at the gardens and thought "what's the point", I looked at my crafts and thought "why bother" and I looked at my cameras and thought "seriously, why bother, you're shit at this". I felt seriously detached from anything and that worried me more than feeling 'depressed' or 'down' or 'sad'. Feeling detached is a new one for me - I just don't give an ants fart about any of it. What's the point? I slog in the garden, no one uses it and then 2 days later it all needs doing again. I take photos and they're all shite, I make a card and it just ends up in someones bin eventually, I do the housework and it's all got to be done again day after day after day.
Everywhere I look inside and outside all I see are the weeds that need doing, the drive that needs weedkilling, the lake that needs clearing and all the tidying and clearing that needs doing.

All I want to do is sit in the house and speak to no one and eat!
This ones bad!

I was so hoping that Insanity would be here by Monday - how ironic that I am hoping a workout titled Insanity will bring some sanity back to my mind - but judging by the tracking it won't be. In fact it made it as far as Dundee in Scotland and has now detoured back to |Leicester in England (I live in the far north of scotland) - go figure!

Is it what it seems? + UPDATE

I've been excited about this Insanity workout for a while now. I ordered it the other day and am patiently waiting its arrival so I can transform my body the Insanity way.
However a couple of things have come up that seriously risk me losing the motivation to do it.

The Insanity TV commercial over here in the UK lasts a good 30 mins and in that time we see Shaun T showing us parts of the workout, loads of before and after pictures, participants stories etc etc and then a huge deal is made about the Insanity Tshirt (and I mean a huuuuuuge deal) and all the online support, guidance, motivation etc that is available via the BeachBody website - all this included within the workout package.
I got my email the other day telling me my workout had been shipped and sending me a link to the BeachBody website where I can sign up, find a coach to help me and meet other workout buddies.
I had a few problems registering on the site so I contacted Beachbody about it and guess what? - It ain't available to International customers - WTF!!! How the f**k do they get away with adding it to the TV commercial and using it as an incentive to buy the programme if it's not included?
I duly sent of my complaint on this but no doubt it will be several more days before I even recieve a bog standard reply. In the mean time I have another concern - that Tshirt!!
I make no bones about the fact that the Tshirt was a serious incentive to me to complete this programme. Now that may sound a tad anal to many of you but in the commercial it's a major incentive to complete the programme and it certainly worked on getting my interest up.
I'm currently waiting to hear back as to whether the Tshirt is available to us in the UK. I've checked out the BB website and it certainly doesn't say it isn't (but then neither did the forum, I had to enquire) so I'm hoping that Beachbody are at least honouring that part of the deal.
I kinda feel deflated and ripped off! I've had a heap of DVD workouts and they're all festering away somewhere after boredom set in. The Insanity workout appears different but what helps to make the entire package different (and what gets buyers reeeeally interested) is the community spirit shown in the adverts, the support, the interaction and most all that bloody Tshirt!

I'm still really excited about completing the Insanity workout and I guess it's stupid that such small details have taken away some of the interest but there you have it. I can cope with no forum access but damn I want that Tshirt:)

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UPDATE:

I've spent way too much time trying to figure out what I can and can't use of my purchased Insanity programme so I managed to find a Live chat link on the BeachBody website.
I'm never too sure about these Live chats actually being 'Live' and I had serious doubts that Maria Garcia was anything more than an automated service that responds by picking up key words in your questions, but anyhow I got the info I needed

  Maria Garcia: Thank you for contacting Beachbody, my name is Maria Garcia. If at any time you feel you're not receiving excellent service or feel unsatisfied with what I am doing, please let me know immediately and I will do all within my power to accomplish your request. How may I help you?

Linda Claxson: I am a UK customer and have just bought the Insanity workout. I've just found out that despite the commercial saying we could use the BeachBody forum / coach etc we actually can't. Could you tell me if uk customers are still able to apply for the Tshirt at the end? This is a major reason for buying this workout!

Maria Garcia: Sure I can assist you with that.

Could you please verify the following information so that I may locate your account?
-Billing Name (first and last)
-Billing Address
-City, State, & Zip code   

Linda Claxson: Mrs Linda Claxson, ******************** UK

Maria Garcia: Thank you. Please give me a couple of minutes  while I check this for you. Maria Garcia: Thank you for your patience. Maria Garcia: The Team Beachbody game is only available to residents of the United States and Canada at this time.   Maria Garcia: However, for Free T-Shirt you can certainly send an email to successstories@beachbody.com

Linda Claxson: Thank you for confirming that. Do you know whether there is any intention of allowing UK customers to become part of the 'team' in the future? This is stated on the commercial over here that we can use this service and is part of the reason I bought this workout.

Maria Garcia: I am not sure when the option will be available . Maria Garcia: I have forwarded this request to the concern department and they will take care of this option and hope this option get available to the customers in near future.

Linda Claxson: OK, thank you for your help. Goodbye!

So, she confirmed I can't use the Beachbody coach facility but at least I can go for that Tshirt.
Honestly, if she had said I couldn't get it I was all set to send the programme back (once it's actually arrived) and then buy it much cheaper on the net. Why the heck should I buy from BeachBody at a higher price when I can't use some of what they sold me!
Just to prove a point, here's part of the UK based advert claiming what we get

Elite Nutrition Plan – designed to fuel your body for these intense workouts.
Fitness Guide – short and to the point. It's just the information you need. We want you working out—not reading.
INSANITY^® Calendar – organised into month 1 and month 2 to track your progress, set workout goals, and keep you motivated. Plus, the Fit Test Tracker tracks your results as you watch your body transform before your eyes.
FREE Online Support Tools – stay motivated with round-the-clock access to fitness experts and peer support.

I know immediately how they're gonna get away with not providing something they claim we are buying and that's by saying it's a free gift - I just know there's gonna be some way round it!
Oh well! Looks like I'll just have to hope that they get the International part sorted before I progress to the next workout. If not then I'm gonna buy it elsewhere!

Having said all that I am sooooooo excited to start the programme knowing that I can at least get the Tshirt :)

Positive Mental Attitude, Numb feet & Knee issues

"Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right."
-Henry Ford 

 Seems a bit weird me writing a blog post on PMA, after all I'm the first to admit that I usually lack it. However, I'm giving this PMA theory a go.
Last night I went to bed working out my running plan for the next day and as usual I'd talked myself out of it before I even got up this morning.
Instead of just accepting todays defeat though I actually managed to talk myself back into running - cool huh!
First I told myself I don't have to run outside cos I have a perfectly good dreadmill in the lounge and then managed to convince myself it would be easier to set the distance and watch it countdown rather than start at 0 and count mileage up. I even convinced myself it would be fun :/ - go figure!
Then as I started to deliberately get myself sidetracked with housework some little voice popped into my head and said "Ask yourself this - What do you want the most, to lose weight or to not get on that treadmill?"
Whilst erming over that question I'm thinking to myself "If you don't even have the self motivation and will power to get on a machine that does some of the work for you, in your own front room then you've just wasted £120 on an Insanity workout cos you aint gonna manage it".
Well it worked. I was on that machine in a jiffy. I counted down from 2 miles (yup this whole pallaver was over a measly 2 miles) and alternated the speed constantly to keep it ....erm..... I'd like to say interesting but I'm gonna have to go with bearable and before I knew it the torture was over and I didn't walk once - at least not after my 5 minute warm up walk.
Funny thing is once the workout was over I'm getting changed thinking "o yeah, the runner is back" - after one workout that I had to talk myself into lol.

I do seem to have some problems when running though whether it's inside or outside.
Foot cramp - no matter how much I warm up - which then accelerates to complete numbness in my feet, occasionally working up to the knee. Numb feet do not make for a very tidy runner!
Knee injury -  An old knee injury is starting to niggle. I'm assuming it will get better as I lose weight but I will start taking a supplement of some kind plus knee supports.
Hip flexor pain - For a few years now I get this pain which I always thought was a groin strain but is apparantly something to do with the hip flexors instead, so I'm going to have to look into it more because it's playing havoc.
Weird foot/ankle issue. - The doc named it many years ago - hyper mobility or some such thing. Basically when I walk, as my foot comes of the ground something in the ankle doesn't support something in the ankle that needs supporting (cool description huh) and this results in my ankle feeling sprained for about 30 seconds and then it's perfectly normal again. Till it happens again that is. Sometimes it can happen at every step and sometimes not at all. I've not had a problem with it for some years now but it's baaaaaack and it's annoying - I'm thinking ankle supports alongside those supplements!

"Every day is a good day when you run."
-Kevin Nelson

S**T what have I done :/

So I've done it! I've placed my order for the ultimate workout ever!

I gave myself a few days after deciding this would be the workout just in case it was one of those rash decisions made in a moment of absolute Insanity - pardon the pun. But Insanity is now on it's way to the Claxson household.
Have to admit I almost pulled out of the purchase simply because once I'd placed the order and before I got the chance to confirm it, there were 4 pages of  'would you like to purchase............'. This really put me off because some of the extra purchases were workouts and it got me wondering whether the workout I was buying wasn't going to be all it claimed without getting those extras too, which I certainly wasn't buying.
Anyway, I bought it and once it's arrived I'll be doing daily updates and reviews of the workout (maybe even with the odd photo lol) just to record the process for myself but also in case any of you guys are contemplating the workout - I'll be 100% completely honest in my review.

I should point out at this juncture that I am not the fittest of people, ideally I'd like I need to lose 5 stone and I am not the most dedicated or focused of people.
You may ask why I'm bothering then but here's what I'm thinking

1. I want to prove my husband wrong who believes I can do it but won't.
2. I want to stick at something - one thing - and achieve the end result.
3. I'm hoping and praying it aids weight loss even if I'm following Slimming World plan and not the eating plan that comes with the workout.
4. I've already decided to do P90X and Asylum next ;)
5. I want that Tshirt.
6. I want that Tshirt.
7. I reeeeeeeeeally want that Tshirt.

So now I am going to make it my mission to find and follow and interact with a few other bloggers who are using extreme workouts (preferably Insanity) to aid weight loss and are starting them overweight and unfit.

Wonder when it will arrive! Excited!! Bloody nervous too though - it's gonna huuuuuurt!

Amazing motivation - one ladys inspirational journey

OK so lately I've been feeling uninspired, unmotivated, lethargic and just basically Bleh (is that even a word).
Last week I hardly ran at all other than when walking the dog and even that was half hearted.
My relationship with running is not easy because I basically hate it! I do not plan my runs with any degree of excitement nor do I like it when I'm actually doing it. Once I've completed a run I feel great, tell myself I can't wait for the next one (knowing I have the next day off) and convince myself I am a runner. Even the night before a run I go to bed early and kind of look forward to getting up early and heading out but when the next day rolls round I've talked myself out of it before I've even got out of bed. It takes serious willpower to get me out the door.
Today I was walking the dog and had literally convinced myself that running is not for me, I'm giving it up and never have to do it again. You'd think I'd be relieved by that statement but I kinda just felt deflated and defeated - you see, I hate running but I need it and I know I cannot not do it for any length of time.
So I logged online to my favourite blog 'Runs for cookies' hoping that Katie had downloaded her race report - she completed her first ever marathon on Sunday - and my whole outlook changed.
I'm sure most of you know who Katie is but for those of you who don't : Katie is a 30 year old wife and mother of two boys who lost an amazing 125 lbs in 16 months and took up running to maintain that weight loss.
Her blog is a riot of information, motivation and inspiration to anyone who is trying achieve a goal in their life.
Her blog followers have watched as she took up running, entered races when all she could do was walk them, go through surgery and following a diet and healthy eating plan emerged the other side 125 lb lighter and finishing her first marathon.
What i find particularly inspiring about Katie is that she is 'real'. She's 'normal', she could be any one of us and her blog posts deal with the good, the bad and the ugly side to self transformation.
She falters just like us, she has bad habits just like us, she struggles just like us but she never seems to quit, she focuses on what needs to be done and strives to achieve it.

I have dedicated todays post to Katie because she is quite simply inspirational and we all need a dose of that every now and again don't we!
Well done Katie - you did it. Despite the pain - you did it!

Feeder, Saboteur & Insanity

It's a standing joke in this household that my husband is a 'feeder'. This description of him has now been upgraded to 'feeder & saboteur'. Here's what I mean

My husband loves me, I know that 100% and we are soul mates. He loved me when I was thin, he loved me as I expanded and he loves me now. Never has he ever made me feel fat, called me fat or ever hinted at weightloss other than to support me the million and one times I have tried new fads and / or diets.
He has bought me every piece of gym equipment I could need and has never held any of it against me as it gathers dust.
He helps me with running motivation by driving alongside me, he even started running with me when I very first started just because I didn't want to go alone.
BUT it seems that whenever I inform everyone that I'm on a healthy eating plan or diet, the first thing he does is buy me Chocolate. Of course he tells me I don't have to eat it which is very true but still......
So then I'll tell him to not buy me chocolate or sweets unless I ask for them, which he manages to do for a couple of days but then he'll come home with loads of goodies for me insisting it's because he loves me.
The 'feeder' side of him has always been joked about but this week he became the saboteur.
Thursdays is my weigh in night, always has been and he knows this. Usually he comes home early enough, takes me to club, sits outside and waits for me then we go shopping and head home.
This week though he came home at lunch time and announced he was taking me to dinner!
"But I have fatclub later" I told him.
"Oh, you don't want to go to dinner then" asks Wayne.
"We could eat after fatclub?" says me.
"But I'm hungry now" says he.
So what is a girl supposed to do faced with the prospect of missing out on a nice lunch out?
You book a holiday at fatclub that's what!
At least I was honest with them and told them I had a huge lunch follwed by ice cream so there was no way I was hitting their scales!

My husband the Saboteur!

So what's this about Insanity you may ask!
I have decided on my workout - it's Insanity.
PT24/7 involves rubber bands and boxing gloves and no matter how much I try to visualise otherwise I'm seeing all sorts of embarrassing scenarios. Best left for when I'm more coordinated me thinks!
P90X  looked pretty good and very ....erm.....energetic but I found a review site that suggested buying several other pieces of equipment to make the most of the workouts. After the cost of the workout itself I ain't prepared to splash out more.

So Insanity it is. I have now given myself a 7 day get out clause before I buy it. This is because in the past I have had these spur of the moment impulses and then usually regret them later on. This time I'm prepared - but after 7 days I buy it!

Today I decided! I decided on 2 separate things (though one of those things requires a further decision I haven't quite made yet).

Firstly, I have 2 dogs that I used to run with - a Great Dane and a GSD. Lately the most exercise the dogs have got is free run on 4 acres of land all day. That may sound like plenty and they're certainly knackered at the end of it but I've noticed just lately that the GSD, Atlas, spends 10 minutes haring around like a nutter and then spends the rest of the day on a high piece of ground pretending to guard the place while he lays down.
The Great Dane, Huntly, is recovering from ripping a toe nail completely out. His exercise had to be limited because the quik kept bleeding until eventually it dropped off. His new nail is now coming through so today I decided to get them both back into running.
First out was Huntly. I did a 2 mile circuit with him but because their pads need to harden I could only do a little bit of running with him.
As for Atlas, well I did 3 miles with him, all at a walk. This dog is fat. I can't believe how much condition he has lost and he really didn't appear to enjoy this walk so no way was I going to run him.
But this is just the start. I will be taking them out 5 times a week and gradually getting them both back into it. Running with Huntly is especially fun cos he pulls me the entire way lol. It may seem like cheating but then when I run without him my fitness levels have peaked to a point where I can run way faster than before - looking forward to getting back there.

My 2nd decision involves either P90X, Insanity or Billy Blanks PT 24/7. I know I'm going to try one but I just don't know which just yet.
I love Tae Bo and have done Billys DVDs before, in fact I have still have some, but I want the structure of set DVDs. My only concern is the bands, I've read negative reports about the gloves being badly made and ripping and that the bands aren't as good for shorter people. I'm 5ft 4, does that make me short??
Insanity looks well....Insane. I love the different exercises, they look motivational and interesting which is what I need plus no other equipment needed - that's always good. Plus I like the Plyometrics - good for runners.  My only problem is I'm not sure how much room this one needs.
P90X - this one has always interested me. I love the concept behind it but I'm worried it may be too much for me to start with.

I've been checking out the fabulous website 'Fit bottomed girls' and they've done reviews for most DVD workouts. I did get a tad sidetracked and started looking at other workouts but it's definitely gonna be one of the above. Big decision - which??

Heart rates

For a while now I've been meaning to take a record of my Resting Heart Rate first thing in a morning before I get out of bed. I intend to keep some form of record and use this to see any improvements in my fitness levels.

So last night I made sure my running watch was on the bedside table and this morning I took my HR twice - once from the radial artery and once from the carotid artery - both results were exactly the same.

My RHR is, or was this morning, 56 beats per minute.

Well this information meant nothing to me so I've delved online to find out what it means and what I should be aiming for.

Apparantly the fitter we are the more efficient the heart pumps blood and our resting heart rate reflects this with a lower value.

I found the charts below on THIS website

Men
Age	18-25	26-35	36-45	46-55	56-65	65+
Athlete	49-55	49-54	50-56	50-57	51-56	50-55
Excellent	56-61	55-61	57-62	58-63	57-61	56-61
Good	62-65	62-65	63-66	64-67	62-67	62-65
Above Average	66-69	66-70	67-70	68-71	68-71	66-69
Average	70-73	71-74	71-75	72-76	72-75	70-73
Below Average	74-81	75-81	76-82	77-83	76-81	74-79
Poor	82+	82+	83+	84+	82+	80+

Women
Age	18-25	26-35	36-45	46-55	56-65	65+
Athlete	54-60	54-59	54-59	54-60	54-59	54-59
Excellent	61-65	60-64	60-64	61-65	60-64	60-64
Good	66-69	65-68	65-69	66-69	65-68	65-68
Above Average	70-73	69-72	70-73	70-73	69-73	69-72
Average	74-78	73-76	74-78	74-77	74-77	73-76
Below Average	79-84	77-82	79-84	78-83	78-83	77-84
Poor	85+	83+	85+	84+	84+	84+

Do you see that? Apparantly I have a resting heart rate of an Athlete, go figure!
Of course I'm dubious about this information so I checked other sites online and the answer is pretty much the same - cool huh!

So what is your resting heart rate?

Motivation is an emotion!

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you "Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today"" - Unknown. 


Motivation is an emotion and as such sometimes it's on a high and sometimes it's on a low.
Today it's pretty darned low for me.
I've logged online to pick up the usual inspiration and motivation from those weightloss blogs that I follow but I'm still feeling 'bleh'. I'm looking outside knowing I need to run but it's windy and bloody awful so I glance over to the dreadmill sitting there just waiting for me to climb on but I'm still thinking 'bleh'.
I have a heap of creative stuff to get done for the house such as shelving, tea light holders, signs, cushions etc etc but there's just no incentive - I'm in a "what's the point" mood, I can't even be arsed to eat breakfast.
I'm in the process of housework and there's only so many times you can clean a loo, hoover, mop the floors, blah, blah, blah before I'm thinking again "seriously, what IS the freakin point", I'll be doing the same darned thing tomorrow and the next day and the next day and ..............

So I'm taking a 5 minute break and getting my head around and out of these negative thoughts - or at least I'm trying to ;)

By the end of the day I want to be able to update this page and say I've used the dreadmill, I've cleared up outside all the damage the wind has done - my poor fancy chimney pot garden ornament has succumbed :(  and that I've made a start on the shelving or the tea light holders or even maybe I've made a start on my sisters 40th birthday card (due June) or my other sisters 25th wedding anniversary card (due July).
Well we shall see won't we! One things for sure I ain't gonna achieve nada sitting on my jacksie all day am I so I shall leave you with this inspirational quote just in case, like me, you're desperately searching blogs for some daily help.

"The mind is everything. What you think, you become" - Buddha






UPDATE:

OK, as of now (1.30pm) here is the state of play.
I had all good intentions of getting straight on that dreadmill as soon as I had logged off earlier BUT I got a phonecall from hubby to say that the car had suddenly stopped working mid drive and that he was getting a mate to tow him to the garage round the corner and was then coming home.
Knowing that Wayne could pop in at any moment with his mate curtailed any notion I had of getting on that darned machine - no way was I was sweating and huffing away on that thing for all to see.
So I figured I'd go outside instead. And I did. At least to put the washing on the line anyways.
Then Wayne turned up and announced we were going into town to look at  floor lino in the carpet shop. Cool, a day out! yay! (I reeeeeeally don't get out much).
Thing is, this trip entailed using Waynes van. A builders van would be a more accurate description that would give you some notion of its condition. And this van of his has a faulty fuel gauge and Wayne being Wayne couldn't remember when he had last put diesel in it - typical (he also can't remember when he last checked oil, water etc) so we were going to have to risk the 15 mile trip not knowing if we were going to get there.
That ruddy van is an embarrassment, that's the only way I can describe it. It whistles as it goes - whistles. It ain't the fan belt slipping, I'm convinced air is circulating somewhere somehow. So to mask the noise of the whistling I put on the tape deck. Yup, you heard right - tape deck! And it doesn't auto turn neither! Heathens drive this thing. 
I couldn't quite decide which was worse - the noise from the whistling or the noise eminating from that tape deck (the 'Temptations' I believe) - quite honestly I couldn't even think eventually as my brain had been fried.
Driving along a very exposed main road next to the sea in a gale force storm in a teeny tiny 'Postman Pat' van with a wheel that wobbled if Wayne went over 50 cos it's needs balancing has got to be the quickest way to lose a couple of stone and workout those bum cheeks! There wasn't even the relief of knowing an airbag will save the day should we take off from the wind because this van don't have one. What it does have however is a well placed 'Thinsulate' hat on the dash board that apparantly "should help reduce some of the impact".
The van did make it to the petrol station though - yay;)

I am now back home and online again looking at more lino because I didn't like what was in the shops - nor did I like the price!
I perhaps should point out that the whole lino fiasco is my fault. When we designed the house I decided I wanted Black floor slates in the kitchen and for some reason White grout! What the f**k was I thinking? White grout!
Needless to say this grout looks terrible now (not even 1 year later) and I've decided I don't like the floor slates either as they're too Grey looking.
We could re-tile the entire floor but I've also decided in my wisdom that they're just too cold underfoot as we don't have underfloor heating in there - hence looking at Lino.

So now Wayne is having his nanny nap  power nap while I watch the rain piss down on my washing hanging outside and reflect on everything I did not get done done today!

 *******************************************************************************

OK so it's now 9:05pm and the day continued as it started and I now feel terrible. :(
I have just sat and eaten a massive bar of Dairy Milk, a packet of Love hearts and most of a large bag of Midget gems - sick does not come close to how I feel right now.
I'm now sitting and watching 'Obese. A year to save my life' in the hope that it kicks my arse back into gear for tomorrow.

Tomorrows plan is to at least run on the dreadmill and seeing as the weather is set to be fine I'm hoping to get outside which will lift my mood and stop me snacking during the day or bingeing at night.

Today was simply a small blip on a large journey. 

Best friends - we all need one!

Today I had a lovely lovely suprise. Not flowers or chocolates or anything like that but some digital images I didn't know I had of my best friend who died suddenly in 2008.
You'd think I'd have a lot of pictures of my best friend wouldn't you but I don't, despite us literally travelling up and down the country together, so I thought I'd share a couple of them with you all here

Gorgeous isn't he? And yes, it's a dog lmao.
I don't exaggerate when I say he was my best friend - he really was. He was my companion as we travelled the UK attending local and championship dog shows, he gave me my first experience of competing at Crufts - he was my shadow!
Bailey - or BaileyWaileyWooWoo as I called him was out playing on the land with the other dogs on the morning of February 9th (2 days before his 5th birthday). Wayne & I  had just finished having a cup of tea indoors and as we went out Wayne said "We've got a dead dog on the drive". At that point he thought Bailey was just laying down but as soon as I saw him I knew he wasn't playing.
I cannot describe the pain of losing Bailey. To some he may have just been a dog, a pet, something you replace when the time is right but I immediately went into a deep depression.
I was convinced we had buried him alive and I remember trying to convince Wayne in the dead of the night that we had to go and dig him back up - I really was inconsolable and completely and utterly lost. Bailey left a huge deep hole in my life!
For the next few months nothing helped. Wayne tried to get me to get another Dane but as far as I was concerned if I couldn't have Bailey I didn't want any dog.
In January the following year we went away with friends to the Carribean and the day we got home Wayne saw someone advertising Dane puppies - a 300 mile round trip.
To cut a very long story short I stated that I wouldn't get a boy again but that I'd let the puppy choose me and out of a litter of 10 I had quite a pick.
One pup chose me immediately, refusing to run off and play with its litter mates, it sat by my side and stayed there - out of that litter of 10, the one and only boy had decided I was his new mum.
Huntly is now my new best friend and his personality is so like Baileys it's scarey.

A couple more of those images I found today on an old, long forgotten XD card

To BaileyWaileyWooWoo - My best friend, my shadow. Always loved and never forgotten. xxxxx



For todays run Leanne and I decided to take the car up to the forest and run the 4 mile forest track. We also, rather stupidly in hindsight, decided to take the small dogs with us - a Terrier with energy to spare and a Shih Tzu who is a tad .............erm.....round!
I couldn't take the GSD or Dane as I couldn't get them in the car plus the Dane has ripped a toenail off and is still recovering, so the wee dogs came along.
We ended up having to walk more than we would have liked because the Shih Tzu seemed to be panting an awful lot and we even had to resort to carrying her - which she hated. Plus, there were a couple of Hawks soaring extremely low and scarily close to us. Figuring they had their beady eyes on our teeny tiny dogs we put them on their leads.
Anyway, the running we did manage was good and we did well all in all despite the never ending moosive inclines scattered round the entire 4 miles.


The start of the run.

I tried to get an image showing one of the many dips and steep inclines we had to endure but it hasn't shown up too well in the picture below.

Absolutely love running on these tracks, it gives the shins a bit of a break from so much running on concrete roads.
We're going to try and run the forest tracks once a week but we'll not be taking the Shih Tzu with us again as it's too much for her but I'm hoping Huntlys toenail will be sufficiently healed to start running again with me this week - fingers crossed.

Weigh in, honesty and motivation!

I joined Slimming World around May of last year and managed to lose 21 lbs quite evenly (I lost every week even if it was just a small amount - I never gained) but as Christmas closed in I stopped going - I guess I didn't want the scales to stop me from me from eating exactly what I wanted over the xmas period!
By the time I went back this year I had gained 6 lbs and was pretty happy that that was all I'd gained. Then over the following weeks I dieted half heartedly, skipped a few weigh ins and by the time I decided to get my arse back into gear and take it seriously I had a total weight gain of 17 lbs - just about back to where I started!
The following week I gained another pound and was absolutely gutted. I had to be honest with myself and take a real look at how my weekly habits were affecting my weightloss.
I get weighed on a Thursday evening and this is how my week would pan out
Thursday - starve all day except for a cup of tea in the morning and water throughout the day (but even the water ceases by mid afternoon so I have a chance to pee it out). By the time I get to club I am starving and salivating at the smell of any type of food. Once I've been weighed I head to the shops for my "treat" which usually involves a massive bar of chocolate, 4 Pineapple cakes and cookies I can eat in the car on the way home. Tea on a Thursday is something naughty because I have all week (in theory) to get it off.
Friday - Have a Slimming World brekkie but have a huge portion of it (still have all week to lose it). Food throughout the day could be good, could be naughty. Still eating the "treats" I bought Thursday as there were too many for one day.
Saturday - More aware of what I eat but at this point I won't be able to refuse runny egg and chips should someone be cooking it! Still finishing off "treats".
Sunday - Aware I need to watch what I'm eating but the thought of not having a treat at night terrifies me.
Monday - panic sets in as I only 4 days to lose the weekend crap I've eaten.
Tuesday - Food takes up every waking thought in my head as I do my damndest to avoid chocolate.
Wednesday - S**T I get weighed tomorrow and I regret the entire weekends frivolity.
Thursday - Cup of tea and starve all day - cycle continues.

Not exactly a healthy attitude toward dieting is it!
And have you all noticed how those scales get to dictate how you feel about yourself? For instance, all day on weigh day I can feel unbloated and as though I've lost weight. I'm quite looking forward to seeing my weightloss on the scales and despite being starving I'm quite happy all day! Then you get on the scales and those scales tell you that you were fooling yourself and that you put weight ON, so not what you were expecting and with just a step on those scales you are in a foul mood.

Well in my bid to lose weight properly I am looking at all those bad habits and trying to be honest with myself so that I can break them.
This weeks weigh in and I lost 1.5 lbs!!! Gutted!!! I know it's better off than on but I've exercised most days this week and have been pretty good with my food so 1.5 lbs simply isn't enough!
However, during my sulk I took another long look at my weekly eating habit and if I'm honest although I had the sweets pretty much under control I did eat some crap during the weekend that I shouldn't have so I only have myself to blame.
I also decided to compare this weight loss with something that is visual as 1.5 lbs of fat just doesn't sound much.  A bag of sugar here in the UK weighs 1kg (2.2 lbs) so if you remove the excess and keep the 1.5 lbs you actually feel just how much that weightloss is - it's really quite motivating.
I have seen other visual motivation for recording your weightloss on the internet such as photographs taken at various stages (which I intend to do) but to notice a difference you need to have lost a good few pounds. Then there's graphs or charts but the idea I particularly love (and can't remember where I saw it) is to fill up a pretty jar with the equivalent amount of marbles to pounds you want to lose and then as each pound (or half pound if you do it that way) is lost you move a marble into another identical jar and you gradually watch the weightloss jar fill up - cool huh!

Any of this sound familiar or is it just me?

Fear!

I've been thinking over the last few days that it's all well and good to note down all those reasons we have to lose weight but what about the things right in the back of our minds that actually make us NOT want to lose weight?
Do we write those down too? Is it good to be able to compare the pros with the cons? Should there even be any cons to losing weight?
Well I had a good old think and this is what I came up with for my own reasons that weight loss may be a tad scary

• Saggy skin. I am not a vain person (I hate looking in a mirror) and while I hate seeing my bulging stomach I seriously worry about saggy skin. I have a few stretch marks from having twins and have always considered my skin quite elastic BUT I'm 40 now and I've been told that maybe my skin won't have the elasticity that I'm hoping for - apparantly miracles such as this don't occur!
• People may talk to me more. I know that sounds weird but I have shut myself away for so long that the thought of random conversation terrifies me. Will being slimmer encourage me out more thus result in people talking to me??? Hmmmm!
• What if it changes me? 
• What if it doesn't change me? (I can't figure that one out either!!!)
• What if I no longer like who I am? Now that thought kinda mystifies me because I obviously cannot like who I am now. Why? You may ask. Well, my theory is that I know what stuffing my face with bar after bar after bar of Dairy Milk chocolate will do to my health. I know it will sabotage any hope of weightloss and feeling good about myself. I know it will clog my arteries and increase my cholesterol level. I also know judging by the heart palpitations I get after eating it that it could do some serious damage, and yet I eat it anyway! So imagine how much a person must hate themselves to be prepared to do that to them!

So once you have the pros and cons all neatly written down what do you do with them?
Well apparantly you turn the negatives into positives. So this is what I cam up with:

• Saggy skin. Yes the thought scares me BUT it is surely better to be a healthy weight with the prospect of adding a few years to life but have a bit of saggy skin than to be overweight, unhappy and die too young from heart disease! I am not brave enough to go through any kind of surgery so I will love my saggy bits. I won't consider them the downside to losing weight but as a reminder of what too much weight can do to a body! Heck, I may even name them!
• People may talk to me more. Yup scary now but weightloss will hopefully bring more confidence in myself and if I'm more confident in myself then mayhap I will feel confident enough to engage in conversation and not hide away at home. 
• What if it changes me? What if it does - does it matter? There is no inherent evil in me so any change could only be for the better surely!
• What if it doesn't change me? Well the people I love now love me back for who I am right now so it won't really matter will it!
• What if I no longer like who I am? Bit of a moo question really isn't it. I obviously don't like myself right now for the reasons stated above so I'm guessing it can only get better.

I officially give myself permission to stop worrying about what I percieve as negative effects of weightloss because there are none! 

Got my doubts!

I'm pretty lucky to have quite a lot of home exercise equipment - a bike, a treadmill, eliptical trainer, ski machine and a Total Gym.
Problem is that at the moment the only 2 pieces actually set up and useable are the Bike and the Dreadmill. The dreadmill is in the front room and does get some use on days it's just too wet or windy to run outside but the bike has been hidden in the 'other' room and is pretty much under my radar.
However, I was recently motivated and inspired by a TV show called 'Obese. A year to save my life' and for some reason it got me thinking about that lonely little bike never getting any use, just gathering whatever I happen to chuck on it.
Today I decided was 'the day'. The bike was going to be used! I changed the batteries in the console, got on, peddled a few seconds and then just got right back off again. I was sooooo not motivated to do it and if there's one thing I've learned about myself is that if I'm not motivated I won't enjoy and if I don't enjoy it I won't do it again.
So, being the good girl I am, instead of sulking like I normally would I went online and checked out some weightloss blogs knowing full well that after 10 mins or so I would be motivated to get back on the bike.
I say I wasn't motivated initially but if I'm honest I just couldn't be arsed to do it. I wanted to want to get on that bike but the effort was just too much - I can be exceptionally lazy.
10 minutes later though I was back in that room, MP3 blaring to mask my heavy breathing and was peddling for England.
I set the counter at 8miles figuring that would be a decent enough distance first time and here's the end result

Ignore the 'distance' marker saying 0:02 as it counted down from the mileage I put in. I must have peddled a few paces when is hit 0 because the 0:02 is the counter starting back up from 0.
What you can't see in that image is that although I was chuffed with the time of 16:23 for 8 miles it turned out that the stupid bike was set to kms so I'd actually only cycled around 5 miles in that time!
But what I'm really doubtful about is the calories. Can you see what it says? It reckons that in 16:23 my calories burned was 183!!! No way!!! I can spend an hour on the dreadmill, sweating like a pig, struggling to breathe and not burn anywhere near that amount.
So how accurate are these counters?

Well, I've done a little bit of reading on the net and to be honest the general concensus seems to be that they're not far off but to try a little test, next time I go on the bike I am going to check my pulse at several points then take an average and use *this* little gizmo I found on Triathalon Training Blog and see what it comes up with. Should be interesting!

My Running Music this week:

• 'Ain't gonna bump no more with no big fat woman' - Joe Tex
• 'Play that funky music' - Wild Cherry
• 'Part of me' - Katy Perry
• 'Manic Monday' - Bangles
• 'Dancing in the dark' - Bruce Springsteen
• 'Titanium' - David guetta
• 'Empire state of mind' - Jay Z
• 'Stronger' - Kelly Clarkson
• 'Judas' - Lady Gaga
• 'Sexy and I know it' - LMFAO
• 'Y.M.C.A' - The Village People.
• 'Just like Jessie James' - Cher

Food!

Weightloss + Food = Slimming World

It has to be said that I have tried sooooo many diets - some have been more dodgy than a belly after an Indian takeaway - but whether they've been good or bad there has only ever been one eating plan/diet that has worked for me!
Slimming World.
I first tried it when I was about 27 and weighed 11st claiming that I would never weigh an ounce more than that horrendous weight! Oh how naive was I!!!!
Anyway SW worked for me back then but I lost motivation because eventually the weight refused to budge due to my refusal to stop eating so much chocolate. Plus we ate out as a family pretty much most weekday evenings back then (and I always had to have a 3 course meal. I would literally roll home afterwards)!
That's when I started looking into and trying the 'quick' weightloss plans, you know 'The cabbage soup diet', 'one meal a day diet', '3 day diet' etc, I even tried a diet specifically for obese patients that had to lose weight fast for surgery. What was I thinking :(
Then there were the fads such as 'Atkins', 'You are what you eat' etc etc.
Finally I tried the group weightloss programmes. I really wanted to go back to SW at this point but there were no classes so far up here in the Highlands (my previous class had been when we lived in Boston), so I tried 'Scottish Slimmers' and gave 'Weight Watchers' a go too.
For me they did nothing! The plans neither gave me the incentive to eat well nor particularly helped me to be more aware of the nutritional content of what went into my trolley.

Finally Slimming World appeared up here but by this point I'd convinced myself that I was happy as I am and that things had gone too far to even bother.
Eventually in 2011 I decided sod it! I really need to lose this excess weight. My knees were hurting, my back was hurting, my breathing was terrible and I really wanted to enjoy running.
So I was brave and joined the group. I never stay for the meetings - I literally get weighed and go - because the online support is enough for me and there is a fabulous website called 'Minimins' that has the most amazing recipes for every weightloss programme going.
In just a couple of months I lost 21 lbs and really believed that there was no stopping me now, I was an invincible weightloss machine - dangerous thoughts to have!
I don't know what happened but over winter I stopped going and by the time I had plucked up the courage to return this year I had put pretty much most of it back on again - that has got to be the worst feeling ever!
This week will be an interesting weigh in as I haven't lost any weight since I restarted BUT things are going to change now. I'm running 3 or 4 times a week and I've introduced cycling and will be getting the Tae Bo DVD's back out for days I need a change.
I'm dealing with my eating habits and trying to understand what is causing the feeling that I want to just cram everything sugary I can find - it's hard because part of me doesn't want to understand it, I simply want to eat it - but I'll get there.

My need to have big meals is another thing I love about Slimming World. This was my lunch yesterday

And the entire thing was pretty much Syn free other than a couple of sins for the Lighter than Light Mayo. The salad has a drizzle of Fat free vinigrette to it and the good thing about such a large meal is that it teaches me to leave some food - something I could not have previously done.

This running lark...............

After years of refusing to have my photo taken unless I was pulling a stupid face or hiding my bulk behind something, you can imagine my husbands suprise when I announced this morning that he was gonna have to take my photo for this blog.
Well I let him! It was hard - reeeeal hard but I told myself it needed to be done. How am I going to know how different I look when I lose weight if I don't record it from the start plus it's gotta be good to face it hasn't it! Hasn't it?

For some reason when I'm running I struggle to run the part going away from home. As soon as it turns back to home I can pick up the pace and start to enjoy it so today I got hubby to drop us off 2.5miles up the road so we could run back.
Half a mile would be used for walking and warming up and then we could attempt to run the other 2 miles and I decided to time us so that we could see the improvement in a couple of weeks.
Here we are ready for the off

I would love to claim that that's me on the left but nope, that's my daughter Leanne, the brave little sausage that has joined me in the Loch Ness 10k.
As you can see Leanne is already slim and is pretty fit as she works with horses, she also jogs along with this seemingly effortless gait while I thunder along behind her all flat footed - and often numb footed.
Leanne chats as we go while I gasp, struggle for breath and reach for the inhaler.
Leanne points out the scenery (which I admit is nice from the seat of a car) while I resolutely stare directly at the ground so I don't notice the incline.
Having said all that, she keeps me going when I start to flag and always lets me know how proud she is of me!

Todays 2 mile run started with a steep inline for a long way and the rest of it was pretty much undulating. We averaged 12 min miles which is naff considering I used to be much faster but I'm determined to get down to 10min miles for the 10k in September.

Are you a "binge eater"?

Are you honestly in control of what you eat all of the time?

One of the many things I have had to think about during this weightloss crusade is my attitude toward food.
I've often fleetingly wondered over the years whether I would be classed as a "binge eater" by the "experts", but have never really looked into that particular eating disorder, perhaps this was my way of never having to really ask myself whether my relationship with food is healthy or not.

What I do know now is that although I was slim throughout my childhood and teens my relationship with food was never ever healthy.
My earliest recollection of feelings toward food was a particular Sunday when my mum was cooking a roast dinner. I must have felt particularly hungry this time (I was very young) and I asked my mum when dinner would be ready. I remember her saying it wouldn't be long but I knew that as she'd only just put the pressure cooker on it would be at least 20 minutes.
20 minutes to a hungry kid may as well be 20 hours and I remember going to my room and crying my eyes out - I honestly thought I was THAT hungry!
Growing up, money was tight but my mum always made sure we had 3 meals a day. I remember being sent off to school with Porridge in our bellies, lunch was at school and we would always have a home cooked dinner. Snacks were not really permitted between meals but I think this was more to do with finances than anything else, though I do remember we would have a particularly gorgeous pudding on a Sunday - Saucy sponge and custard - and sometimes a biscuit.
If a snack attack occurred in our house it was usually kinda tough crap and I remember we (my sister and I) would sneak downstairs as quietly as we could (avoiding the creaky bottom step) and would see whether there was anything in the fridge we could pinch without it being noticed. Usually there wasn't so we'd tempt ourselves with pinching a biscuit or maybe even a dry Weetabix but I guess guilt convinced us that my mum would have counted them and so we would sneak back upstairs just as quietly and just as empty handed!
As I got older my pocket money would always be spent on sweets, usually a Mars Bar and I remember being 6 years old and winning 3rd prize in a school writing competition. My essay titled 'What can I do for England' won me £3 and I collected it in a ceremony from the Mayor of Nottingham.
What did I spend that £3 on? Well I remember buying a pair of tin rollerskates for £1 - the kind that strapped to your shoes - and with the remaining £2 I cycled to the local sweet shop and came out with £2 worth of sweets wrapped in a white bag.
I was so scared I would have those sweets taken from me that I hid them in a neighbours garden and kept it secret.
Then when I was a teen my parents bought me a pony. I loved that pony and I kind of knew, but never really appreciated, the sacrifice my parents had made to buy him for me and to then pay for his weekly upkeep. On a Saturday the whole yard would drive down to the local fish shop, buy their dinner and go back inside the house at the yard to eat.
I could never afford the food though so I always made out I wasn't hungry and instead would sit in my pony's stable, stomach lurching while I waited for them to come back out.
*I should stress I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm simply understanding my feelings toward food*
With my first paycheck I cycled to the nearest shop at lunch time and bought £5 worth of sweets then went back to work and ate the lot.

This could go on and on but it's only when you really allow yourself to think of your attitude toward food as far back as you can possibly remember that you can make some sense of why you do what you do now - or at least understand where the feelings began.

So while reading the fabulous blog 'Runs with cookies'  recently I came across Katies post on Binge eating and it made me think. Even more it made me click the link within her post and read the contents of the link. Check out the link 'here'
I think I'd always accepted that I was an Overeater. I certainly could never be Anorexic as I do not have the willpower needed for that disorder, nor could I be Bulimic as I have a serious fear aversion to throwing up, but I could accept Overeater, after all overeater doesn't sound toooooo serious does it! Does it?
However, having read that link on Katies blog I was astounded to discover that the symptoms of a binge eater could be describing everything about myself - could I really be a binge eater?

• Yes, I eat to the point of feeling seriously sick and so uncomfortable I cannot move.

• Yes, I give it 20 minutes and then uncontrollably feel the urge to eat more.

• Yes, I eat large amounts of food in short spaces of time. I often do not taste the food I am eating as I eat it so quickly.

• Yes, I will eat when I am not hungry. In fact I do not remember what it feels like to actually 'feel' hungry.

• Yes, I feel disgusted and ashamed after I've eaten - this often leads to me eating even more.

Again, I could go on but I won't.
So what does this mean? Heck if I know!
Will understanding it help to control it? Again, heck if I know, but I'm going to give it a damn good try.
I have to hope that whether I am an 'Overeater' or a 'Binge eater' that understanding the condition will give me some small measure of power to begin to control it and hopefully, in the future, obliterate it completely and have a healthy relationship with the food I put in my mouth.

And so it begins......

The Skinny girl is in there somewhere................

and she's getting louder and louder in her determination to be heard - I hear ya skinny gal!

So, what does a person write on their first post of their weightloss blog?
No seriously, what??

Well I'll start with my own reasons for wanting to lose weight. I've never actually put this down on paper and I've been told it's supposed to be a pretty good incentive and quite motivational along the long road of fighting the flab. I haven't a clue what these fingers are gonna type so I'll see as I go along....

1. I want to be comfortable enough to have my photograph taken with my family - we have no full family photos as I refuse.
2. Health. It's a no brainer really is it. I know I have high cholesterol and my father died at 56 from heart disease.
3. I want need energy - I'm an outdoorsy gal.
4. I want to be able to wear a pair of jeans without a baggy tshirt covering my stomach.
5. I want to wear a pair of jeans full stop! Out with the elasticated waists!!
6. I want to feel comfortable when I sit down and not feel as though I have a sack of spuds for a stomach.
7. I want my bones to stop aching and creaking - seriously they creak!
8. I want to be able to run without feeling a huge jelly wobble that is my stomach.
9. I want to be rid of my huge treble chin.
10. I would like just the one pair of boobs NOT 1 pair to the front, 1 pair to the side and 1 pair to the back!
11. I want to be able to go to a clothes shop and pick something off a rail and know it will fit.
12. I also want to be able to pick clothes off a rail and know they will look good.
13. I want to wear a bikini on my holiday to Jamaica in January - I refuse to wear an all in one as I want that all over tan!
14. I want to dance .......comfortably!
15. I want to like myself again!
16. I want to ride horses again and not feel like I'm crushing them.
17. I want to get in the bath and be able to submerse my entire body NOT have my belly sticking up like Everest.
18. I want to feel the power of accomplishment!

Crikey, I could have kept going so maybe I will have do another post in the future with updated reasons to lose weight.

I often wish I could feel comfortable as I am. You know, happy in my own skin no matter how expanded it is, in fact I kind of envy those people who are happy regardless.
But that skinny young girl is fighting her way back out and who am I to stop her......