Friday, 25 May 2012

Oops, reality check & the Black dog.

After moaning and griping in my earlier post below I suddenly had the urge to run - I know, shocked me too.
I asked leanne if she was up for it, which she was so we got changed and headed out.
Leannes pace still amazes me - she has this graceful lope which I just can't manage.
The sun was blazing and we decided (well it happened to work out this way)  that hills was the way to go. We went 3/4 of the way round the block, turned round and did the hills all over again. 2.8 miles total.
Feeling better already - that Black dog does not like exercise endorphins.


Well where do I begin? Maybe I'll start with Oops!
Went to Fatclub weigh in last night (really need to get out of the habit of calling it fatclub, been watching too much Little Britain methinks) and managed to gain 2.5lbs in 2 weeks - Oops!
I'd love to be able to say that I don't understand how on earth I managed to find 2.5lbs, that I've been perfect all week and it just doesn't make sense. But I'd be lieing! I've eaten like a Rhippo this week (a cross between a Rhino and a Hippo cos i can't decide which one I actually am) and spent more time than is healthy convincing myself that a packet of biscuits, egg & chips, chocolate etc etc really won't make me put that much weight on. Wrong! Oops!

Now for the reality check. I am only a couple of pounds away from being where I was when I started fatclub Slimming World last year - I've put almost 21 lbs back on - how bloody stupid of me :(

The Black Dog - I refer to my episodes of depression in terms of The Black Dog. Winston Churchill, that amazing wartime leader of Britain, suffered from deep depression and he coined The Black Dog term.
By naming depression The Black Dog we can use this as a tool to help control it. The aim is for the Black Dog to be happily sleeping away in his kennel but tbh I'm happy whenever he's simply running to heel by my side - not barking or snapping at my heels.
I thought I'd got a handle on him and that he was behaving himself. I think I may have ignored his growls of warning because the last few days he's managed to have me cornered with his snapping and snarling.
He's took the fun out of every hobby I have - I don't find any pleasure in gardening, photography, cardmaking or exercise - I'm seriously struggling here!
I have mental tools to use when this happens to get the Black Dog to back off, such as listening to music via headphones (Black Dog hates music), this helps me to drown out those negative thoughts (Black dog snapping and snarling), I make a real effort to stop negative thought and replace with positive thought (Black Dog hates positive) and I force myself to get out for a walk (Black Dog loathes the happy endorphins from exercise) but today I seriously struggled with any of them.
I looked at the gardens and thought "what's the point", I looked at my crafts and thought "why bother" and I looked at my cameras and thought "seriously, why bother, you're shit at this". I felt seriously detached from anything and that worried me more than feeling 'depressed' or 'down' or 'sad'. Feeling detached is a new one for me - I just don't give an ants fart about any of it. What's the point? I slog in the garden, no one uses it and then 2 days later it all needs doing again. I take photos and they're all shite, I make a card and it just ends up in someones bin eventually, I do the housework and it's all got to be done again day after day after day.
Everywhere I look inside and outside all I see are the weeds that need doing, the drive that needs weedkilling, the lake that needs clearing and all the tidying and clearing that needs doing.

All I want to do is sit in the house and speak to no one and eat!
This ones bad!

I was so hoping that Insanity would be here by Monday - how ironic that I am hoping a workout titled Insanity will bring some sanity back to my mind - but judging by the tracking it won't be. In fact it made it as far as Dundee in Scotland and has now detoured back to |Leicester in England (I live in the far north of scotland) - go figure!


  1. I love the way you use the Black Dog analogy and will immediately use it with several people i talk posting this blog update wasn't for nothing though the flower is blooming five thousand miles away (San Francisco) from where you're tending your garden.

    And Insanity is on the way!

    Hang in there.

    1. There is a book called 'Taming the Black Dog' by Patrick Elverton and it was reading that that helped me to understand and learning coping mechanisms for depression - it probably saved my life!

      Thank you for your kind words of support. It's amazing isn't it how kind thoughts from a complete stranger can actually make a person feel more validated than a hundred kind thoughts from people close to you!

      I didn't want to post about depression on this blog, it's supposed to be a running and weightloss blog but I was not prepared for this 'episode' at all. That Black Dog has kinda crept up and I need to at least get him back on his leash.
      As of right now he's pretty quiet. Ready to bite as soon as the chance is given but those exercise endorphins seem to be doing the trick for now :D


  2. Hang in there!! Exercise always makes my brain feel better when I am down. Like the other day I was mad and upset and I went and did my run and felt much better after that! :)

    1. It really does doesn't it.
      I hate running - seriously dislike it anyway - but today has at least shown me that I need it.

      I hope you are also feeling better of late.
      Take care